Good Enough
by neonshredder
Summary: Maura starts dating women with long dark hair. After something terrible happens, she and Jane are forced to confront why. "I know I shouldn't be pushing her away. And I…I need her." "So tell her that. Stop blocking her out. Tell her everything. Tell her you love her." "Oh, stop, Frost." "You stop, Maura!...You're searching for something you're never gonna find. Talk to her."
1. Chapter 1

_Hello! This is my first time publishing a Rizzoli and Isles fic. I have most of the story drafted and will upload chapter by chapter as I finish them. This is a short first chapter to motivate me to continue fleshing out and publishing my story._

 **xxx**

Jane sat down on Maura's couch with a contented sigh, beer bottle in hand. It had been a long stressful week, and they had just closed a child murder case that had been keeping her up for days. She was grateful to finally be able to relax and hang out with Maura on a much-needed work-free weekend. Hell, she even said "Maybe" to Maura's request of going clothes shopping with her the next day—as long as she let her sleep in. She was taking a swig of beer when Maura sat down beside her and said,

"I think I'm going to start dating women."

Jane stopped mid-gulp and had to cough to keep the liquid from going down the wrong pipe.

"What brought that on?" She asked once she could breathe.

It's not that Jane was that taken aback by the idea, more that the statement was quite abrupt and not at all what she expected to be talking about tonight.

"I need a change. I haven't been with anyone in months, and not someone serious in years. I'm not getting any younger."

Like most things that Maura said, she said this matter of factly, and Jane was sure she had put a lot of thought into this.

Jane shrugged and nodded in agreement. They were both getting towards 40 and the clock was kind of ticking for finding a partner and starting a family. At least that's what her mother said. Jane didn't know if she would ever have that, but she whole-heartedly thought Maura deserved to.

"Yeah, go for it, Maur. It's not like you've had much success with men." There was a silent moment when they both thought about how Jane had narrowly saved her from Dennis Rockmond. "And you said you were with a woman back in the day, right? Maybe you'll find someone."

"Yes, I did have a couple short romances when I was in school." Maura was looking down and fidgeting with the fringe on the couch blanket. To Jane it seemed like she was now sad, or anxious about the whole thing.

Jane wanted to reiterate that she supported Maura in this—she wasn't homophobic, and she wanted her best friend to be happy. Maybe a woman could help with that.

There was a quiet moment where neither of them said anything, Jane thinking about what to say to make Maura smile.

"Soo, you want me to be your wingman at Merch this weekend?" Jane looked sideways playfully as she took a swig of her beer. Maura grinned before replying,

"Actually, I already have a date set for tomorrow evening."

"Well damn, that's great Maur! So why didn't you tell me about your idea until now? You didn't think I would disapprove, did you?" Of course Jane would be supportive. Maura could quit her job and become a nudist and she would support her. Hell, Maura could join a whole lesbian commune. In Antarctica. And she would go with her.

"No, that's not it… I don't know, I guess I didn't want to bring up the possibility and then chicken down without actually trying it, and have people think that it was just another crazy idea."

Jane smiled and looked at Maura. Her best friend had gotten so much better at recognizing nuance and figures of speech since she'd started working with her, but occasionally she got confused or messed something up. "So you waited until you really had a date so I would know it was for real, and make sure you didn't chicken out?"

Maura nodded. "Yes, that makes sense."

"Well I still gotta make sure she's good enough for you. So who is she? How did you find her?"

"Her name is Andy, she's a director at the Massachusetts Historical Society. We connected on HER—it's a women seeking women dating app."

"Like Tinder?" Jane found it amusing that her refined, high society colleague would be swiping selfies for hookups.

"It's very similar, yes."

"So what're you guys doin? You goin out for drinks? Or is it straight to the bedroom?" She winked dramatically.

Maura scoffed playfully back. "Jane Rizzoli! What kind of woman do you think I am?"

"A sexy one that girls can't wait to get in the sack?"

Maura threw a throw pillow at her head.

xx

Jane did get a glorious 10 hours of sleep, and woke up naturally in Maura's bed the next morning. They usually slept together when Jane was over; it was something that started back when Jane was staying with Maura when Hoyt had escaped prison, and continued over time when one of them needed comfort, or when Jane was worn out from a fight with a perp and Maura wouldn't let her sleep on anything but the best luxury bed. Now it was a comfortable habit, and the only other place Jane ever slept when she was over was the couch when she fell asleep there, and would wake in the middle of the night under a blanket Maura draped over her.

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, Jane walked in her PJ's out into the kitchen where Maura was sitting at the table reading on her tablet.

"Don't tell me you're reading more scientific articles. I thought you were learning to chill out on your days off." She shuffled over to the counter to attend to the first task of the day.

"Well good morning to you, too. And no, I'm actually learning more about the artists whose exhibition I'm seeing tonight at SOWA Artists Guild with Andy.

"Ah, so _that's_ why you want to go shopping today, huh? Gotta look good for Andy at this fancy art show?" Jane pushed a few buttons on a complex machine. Maura usually used all of its extra gadgets to make macchiatos and things like that but most of the time Jane just wanted a simple cup of coffee.

"Yes, I was hoping to get a new dress from a boutique in back bay."

"Cuz this chick couldn't possibly be impressed by one of the 50 designer dresses you already have in your closet."

"I've worn most of those before." Jane huffed in amusement. "And I want a new look for a new beginning, you know?" Actually, Jane didn't really know. She had never been very interested in clothes, and usually just bought 3 of the same pants or the same shirt in several different colors once she found one she actually liked. She didn't know hardly anything about dresses, or designers, or different fabrics and how they compared. But clothes were important to Maura.

"Please Jane?" Maura looked at her with a concerned brow, the way she always does when she's worried, or afraid Jane will refuse to do something she really wants to do. But despite how adamant she sometimes seemed, there was rarely really any danger that Jane would actually refuse to do something for Maura.

How could she say no to that face?

 **xxx**

 _More chapters coming soon!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Two chapters in one day! Woo! Another short one, though. That's likely how this will go-frequent short chapters rather than the typical long, spaced out chapters. As always, you know that reviews are very much appreciated if you feel like giving one!_

 **xxx**

About an hour later they were walking into a boutique by the harbor. Jane strolled aimlessly around the store while Maura went through methodically, analyzing every piece of clothing for whatever special something she needed for her first date. After collecting five dresses she might like, Maura went to try them on behind a slatted wood door. Before she met Maura, Jane was uncomfortable in places like this. For one, she generally found the contents uninteresting; and two, because she felt awkward, like her boyish, working class self didn't belong in such a feminine, upscale place. But now it was an ordinary part of life, a chore that she really didn't mind doing.

After a few minutes shuffling around, Maura stepped out of the fitting room. Jane looked up from the game on her phone to see her in a dress even she could agree was gorgeous. But the dress wasn't what made the sight beautiful.

"Wow." Maura was casually stunning in a red dress that fit her just right and accentuated the perfect curves of her body, her bare feet stepping in place to show Jane how it looked from different angles.

Jane had always admired the way Maura looked. Clearly, she was pretty as hell. And she had a body that Jane would never have—fit, but soft and feminine—and a simple elegance that Jane could never achieve.

"What do you think?" Maura pulled her hair up off her shoulders, seeing how it would look with her hair back in a bun.

"You look amazing, Maur." With her hair pulled back, there was an unobstructed view that Jane's eyes followed from her jaw line, down her neck, her collarbones, her modest cleavage. "Get this one. For sure."

"Yeah?" Maura twirled in the multi sided mirror. "I do really like it, but I have a couple more to try."

"Well I'm telling you, I'm not letting us leave here without it." Maura smiled at Jane in the mirror.

"And if this Andy woman isn't blown away by you she should have a psych eval." Maura's cheeks tinted slightly pink, and she retreated to change back into her original outfit, not bothering with the other dresses.

xx

Soon Jane and Maura were back at the house. Maura had showered and changed into her new dress, and was doing her hair and makeup while Jane sat behind her on the bed.

"You better get some good use out of that dress tonight. It cost more than I make in a month."

"That's an over-exaggeration." But she didn't elaborate as she continued blow-drying her hair, because the combination of the two dresses she had bought recently did fit that description.

Jane tried to funnel her thoughts about Maura dating again into cautious optimism, rather than full-on guard dog. She couldn't bear to let Maura get hurt again. Maura had a history of being involved with a combination of murderers and assholes, and Jane had yet to meet someone who was good enough for her. If she had her way, maybe she would chaperone every outing, or wiretap every conversation. But she would have to settle for moderately protective from a distance.

"Will you help me make sure I leave on time? The showing starts at 6:00 and I need to leave time for traffic."

"Yeah, you've got plenty of time. And I'll drive you down there."

Maura looked back at her in the mirror, concerned. "Why? Is there no parking there? I'm sure I could park at a garage close by—or is the street blocked by construction today?"

"No, I'm sure the parking would be fine, but I mean I'll drop you and pick you up." She shrugged. "I've got nothing else better to do." Here's something Jane could do to be a little bit watchful.

"Oh, don't be silly, Jane, that would be a lot of trouble for you."

"I don't mind, and that way I can size her up and give her the bad-cop glare. She's gotta know she'll be messing with me if she hurts you." Maura narrowed her eyes at her in disapproval, but Jane knew that she appreciated ~protective-best-friend-Jane~.

"And that way if she seems killer-y or if she's just a total idiot or its otherwise terrible, you can text me and I'll call you and say there's a body and I have to come get you early." She really hadn't thought this up until now, and Jane mentally patted herself on the back for her good idea.

"I'm sure that won't be necessary." Maura said calmly as she applied her mascara.

"Yeah, well it's good to have an out—you don't exactly have the best history with dates."

Maura gave Jane a small smile. "Yes, alright, you can take me. But please don't give her the glare."

Jane sighed in mock disappointment.

xx

A while later they were approaching the gallery. "You said she would be waiting outside for you, right?" Jane put on her blinker to pull up next to the curb in a no parking zone.

"Yes." Maura was looking out the window towards the entrance of the building. "Oh—there she is!"

Jane looked over and saw the woman who must be Andy. She was tall, with black-rimmed glasses and long dark hair pulled back in a loose bun. Jane thought she certainly looked the part of historian. Her outfit was tailored and professional but had a bit of sex appeal. She reminded Jane of that time she dressed up like a sexy librarian to get information for a case.

"Alright, I'll be back around 10 unless it sucks or unless you tell me you're-" she lowered her voice dramatically and wiggled her eyebrows. _"-_ going back to her place."

Maura smacked her lightly with the back of her hand. "I'm sure everything will just go as planned. Thanks for the ride, I'll see you later."

Jane hoped everything did go well. As she had mentioned, Maura hadn't seen anyone in a while now, and whether or not she wanted something serious, Jane knew she did enjoy sex.

Jane wasn't usually as silly about sex as she had been with Maura the last couple days, but she wanted to make sure Maura knew she didn't think it was gross or weird for her to sleep with women. Sometimes she wished she herself were gay—she wasn't so clueless as to not know that her androgynous style made her generally more attractive to women than men, and she wanted an easier time finding a decent (key word here) person who was interested in her. And maybe if she told her Ma she was a lesbian she would stop hounding her so much about wearing more dresses.

Apparently the date did go as expected, because Jane was picking Maura up after the end of the showing as planned. "So, do you like her? Any inkling that she sculpts over body parts or mangled small animals as a child?"

To a casual listener this might be an incredibly strange question, but given their collective pasts Maura took it as standard. "No, she seems like a great person. And yes, I do like her—enough for a second date, anyway."

"That's great Maura."

"She mentioned wanting to go to Lucca, which I've read great things about, so we're planning to go for dinner next week if our work schedules allow."

"You mean your work schedule? What urgency does an archivist have?"

Maura gave Jane a disapproving look from the passenger seat. "Jane. Her job is very important, she works long hours on—"

"Yeah, alright." Jane waved her hand dismissively. She really didn't want to hear a whole spiel on what project Andy was working on. But she saw it as a good sign that Maura clearly respected her work.

"Well I'm glad you guys are hitting it off."

"Yeah." Maura replied as she now stared distantly out the window.


	3. Chapter 3

A week later Jane found herself where she usually was on a Friday night, on the couch chilling with Maura in their PJ's. They would often be watching some documentary that Maura was interested in, but tonight the Sox were on and Maura had asked Jane to teach her more about the history and intricacies of baseball, to which she happily agreed.

During a commercial between innings Jane asked "So how was dinner with Andy the other night? Are you hitting it off?"

"Dinner was delicious, the baked orecchiette was amazing-we should go sometime. But actually I don't think I'm going to see Andy again, at least not romantically."

"Oh, really? Why's that?"

At that moment there was a dramatic play in the game, and Jane started yelling. "Oh! Ohh! Get him! Uhhh! Tag him! Tag hiiiiimmm! Oh! Get the other one! They can't do that shit!" She even set her beer down so she could be appropriately enthusiastic with a lesser chance of spilling on Maura's rug. "Hahah, yes!"

She looked back over at Maura, who she expected to be sitting there shocked, but she was just watching Jane with an amused grin.

"Here, let me show you this, this is a great teaching moment." Maura was always teaching Jane something new, and Jane always liked when she was able to teach Maura about something she wasn't an expert on. Jane grabbed the remote and rewound a minute back.

"Okay, so. See how there's runners on first and third?" She pointed with her pinky and thumb to indicate opposite corners. "The guy on first is taking a big lead—"

"Which he does to get closer to the next base, but the other team can put him out by tagging him with the ball when he's not on the base?"

"Yeah, exactly. So that's what our catcher is trying to do, catch him off the bag. But when he throws the ball, the guy on third starts running home, trying to get there before they can throw the ball back to the catcher to get him before he scores. But our first baseman, Gonzalez, sees what he's doing, and throws the ball back to the catcher, Salty, without worrying about the dude on first. So then—"

"Salty? That's quite a strange name, is it short for something?"

"Uh, yeah, Saltalamacchia. Okay so the guy who's running home is stuck between third and home, and we're trying to tag him before he can get either back to third or forward to home plate. See how our team is throwing the ball back and forth to each other, narrowing the space the runner has to try to escape them? That's called 'caught in a pickle.'"

"What does it have to do with preserved vegetables?"

"Uhh.." Jane paused the replay. "You know, like you're in a pickle…you're in a not so great situation that's not easy to get out of…you know, like a dilemma, stuck between two things?" She looked at Maura, seeing if she understood.

Maura tilted her head and creased her brow, like she had never heard such an expression before.

Jane waved her hand to push aside Maura's confusion. "Whatever. Doesn't matter." She directed their attention back to the play. "So we tag him out, see, but _then_ the guy who was initially leading off of first is leading off of _second_ now like he's trying to steal third because everybody's been preoccupied with getting the out at home, _but_ Middlebrooks, our third-baseman, is really quick and chases him down between second and third. Double play ends the inning!"

"That's quite chaotic."

"Yeah, that happens once in a while, and it's always fun to watch. Anyway. Back to you. Why're you done with Andy? Is she bad in bed?" Jane smirked and took a cautious sip of beer, ready to be smacked again.

Maura doesn't respond and takes a sip of wine.

"Maura! So that is why!"

"Well, partially. Chemistry during sex is a good indicator of two people's overall personal connection."

"Well then that's a bummer you weren't connecting."

Maura stood up and walked to the kitchen to get them a second round. "Yes, but I've been chatting with another woman, and we're going out for drinks on Monday."

Well shit, another girl already? She wasn't messing around with this whole dating thing. "Damn, Dr. Isles is gettin' aalll the ladies."

xx

When Monday evening rolled around, Jane, Maura, Frost, and Korsak were in the squad room going over details of a new case.

"So you think it was a suicide, doc?" Frost asked.

"That does seem to be the most probable explanation, yes."

Jane let out a small sigh of relief. They of course weren't happy to know that a person killed himself, but it meant there was one less killer for them to find and less work for them to do. "Alright, we'll do some interviews tomorrow to see if that adds up."

"So should we call it a night? Head to the Robber?" Frost suggested.

"Sounds good to me!" Korsak pushed himself up from his desk, apparently very ready to leave for the day. "You comin', Maura? Add some class to our shenanigans?"

"Sorry I can't do that for you tonight Sergeant, I actually have a date to make."

"Ooh, who's the lucky guy?" Korsak asked cheerfully.

Jane was a bit surprised Maura was bringing this up to the guys. She generally didn't share much of her personal life at work, and she was setting herself up to have to out herself.

"Lucky woman, actually. Her name is Maria."

Frost looked up from shutting down his computer. "You gonna wear that outfit you wore undercover at the lesbian bar?" He quipped with a smile.

"Oh, I bet you'd woo her in that!" Korsak chimed in.

"I really don't think that's appropriate attire for where we're going."

"Well maybe you're going to the wrong place, then." Frost rebutted playfully.

They all laughed at the antics. Jane really appreciated that the boys hardly batted an eye at the gender of Maura's date, and were joking around with her as part of the crew. She knew she was Maura's first best friend, and that the addition of Frost, Korsak, and Frankie were the only real friend group she had ever had. Jane smiled as she saw in Maura's face the appreciation of their acceptance.

xx

Soon the three of them were at the bar playing a round of darts. As a start to a new conversation, Korsak piped "So Maura's gay, huh? Who woulda thunk?"

"You don't necessarily have to be gay to date the same gender as you, old man." Frost pointed out. "She's probably bisexual, and wants to mix it up." He shrugged casually.

"Maybe that's your problem, Jane, maybe you should try women."

Frost let out a whistle, clearly thinking that Korsak had miss-stepped and was about to get an earful from his offended partner.

"Oh, so I have a problem, huh?"

"Uhh, what I meant was…"

"The problem—" Jane pulled the darts out of the board. "Is that the men that are attractive, decent, and respect my job, are few and far between, and when I think I've found one of them, he's like 'Ha ha, fooled you! I'm actually a dickhead!'" She threw a dart casually, its location putting her above Korsak for the lead. This topic wasn't new for her. After she gave up on Casey (or accepted that Casey had given up on her), she had basically come to the conclusion that she was going to stop dreaming that the day would come when the perfect man would step into her life. She knew that that was unlikely to ever happen, and she had come to terms with it. Her life was just fine the way it was, and if she ever felt the urge to have children, she would just go hang out with TJ.

"Yeah, men are dickheads, sorry about that." Frost offered guiltily.

"Well I don't think you are Frost, but you're kinda like my brother so no offense I don't want to date you."

"You mean you don't want—" Frost lowered his voice into a mock sultry tone. "—a stormy, dark-skinned Casanova to take you away?"

"Ew, no."

xx

On her way home, Jane thought about how much she enjoyed hanging out with the guys. Chilling at the Robber when they didn't have a stressful case going on was always a good time, and despite how often they put their feet in their mouths, she knew they loved her and only had her best interest in mind. Working 60 hours a week with someone and protecting each other from bad guys makes you good friends or bad enemies real quick, and they were all very close. And now that Maura was actively dating, Jane knew that she would be spending more time with them.

As she got ready for bed, Jane resisted the urge to text Maura and ask how her night was going. If it was going poorly she would have texted her. Hell, maybe they were making out right now and Jane's message would just be an annoying interruption. Drifting closer to sleep, Jane's mind mused over the idea that maybe she didn't want Maura to be dating. It worried her that she might meet someone that could make her happier than she did, and she would get married and move away. What would she do? Maybe she could be a live-in nanny when they had kids, or…

Her thoughts turned more ridiculous and otherworldly as she dreamed, and she had only a fuzzy memory of her train of thought the next day.

 **xxx**

 _With the mention of Casey in this chapter, I want to note that I see the timeline for this story as slightly different from the show, in that Jane is completely done with Casey in an earlier season..I suppose I see this story as existing essentially sometime between seasons 2 and 4 with some minor alterations._

 _Thanks for reading!_


	4. Chapter 4

_Sorry for the delay in publishing! Another short chapter in word count, largely because it is mostly dialogue. That's pretty much how the writing style will be throughout-more dialogue than most stories. Let me know if you think it's too much, or needs more description._

 **Xx**

The next day Jane and Maura managed to get away during a non-hectic time to get lunch at a café down the block. After they ordered, Jane jumped right into conversation.

"So. Maria."

"Maria."

"Yay? Nay? Crazy? Stupid? Good kisser?"

Maura's gaze shifted in thought, and she pointed her finger to answer each question. "Seems psychologically stable; not college-educated but very bright; and I don't know yet."

"Yet, huh? That's promising."

Maura nodded. "We're getting together again this Saturday, probably for a walking tour of the Freedom Trail."

"A tour, really? Don't you know everything they're gonna say?"

"Almost certainly, yes."

"So aren't you gonna have to interrupt constantly to correct the poor guy in the soldier's outfit?"

"Well his facts probably won't be entirely accurate, but I will try not to interrupt the experience for the group."

"You'll just whisper the real facts into her ear?"

Maura tilted her head, as if she hadn't thought of that option. Jane telepathically apologized to Maria in advance.

"It's not just some cliché easy date, actually. It came up in conversation that Maria doesn't really know much at all about the history of the city, except for what she learned from one middle school field trip that she barely listened during. So I offered to take her on one of the tours. They're not perfect, but it's a lot of good history for someone who doesn't know it."

Maura always seemed to feel the need to defend herself and her thought processes. Jane teased, but she never actually judged Maura for anything. She loved that she was educated, and technical, and cultured, and flirty, and everything that Jane wasn't. She was one person Maura didn't have to explain herself to. But she liked listening to her try, anyway.

"Yeah, it makes sense, Maur. It's a cute date idea."

Xx

"So I have to go to this damn diversity slash sensitivity training Wednesday. Such a waste of time." Jane was standing at Maura's kitchen counter, making herself a sandwich on Sunday afternoon. "Like I get it—don't sexually harass people, don't discriminate against the gays, don't shoot unarmed black people…I could be out solving murder cases, but no, I gotta sit for 8 hours being told how to be a decent human."

She brought her lunch out to the living room, where an unresponsive Maura was sitting doing something on her phone. "What're you doin', are you listening to me?"

Maura looked up. "Somewhat. Sorry, I'm just sending Maria the photos I took yesterday."  
"Oh, lemme see." She sat down on the couch next to her. On the screen was a seemingly self-taken photo of Maura and a beautiful tan-skinned woman smiling in front of Old North Church. "Damn Maura, she's gorgeous. Wait, was this taken with a selfie stick?"

"Mmhmm! I know they're kind of silly, but it was really quite useful." She swiped through more pictures, including one of Maria lying "dead" at the site of the Boston Massacre, and the two of them happily pointing at the Bunker Hill monument.

"She looks fun, when do I get to meet her? Invite her to the Robber this week."

"Sure, I could do that." Maura set the phone down and turned on Netflix.

Xx

When Wednesday night came around, Jane, Frost, Maura, and Maria were sitting down at a booth at the bar.

"Come be our fourth wheel." Jane had said to Frost. "Help me analyze and intimidate Maura's new lady."

They talked and laughed about work and other miscellaneous topics while Jane and Frost sized up Maria. As they drank, Maria was sliding closer to Maura's side, with her arm around her and their legs clearly entertwined. Jane texted Frost under the table.

 _One more beer and she'll be in her lap_

 _I mean I wouldn't mind…maybe I'll buy two more rounds :P_

Jane elbowed him in the gut, but the others didn't seem to notice. Maura was looking down while Maria whispered something in her ear that made her smile.

As they were heading out, walking to their cars in separate pairs, Jane asked for her partner's opinion. "So. Thoughts?"

"What, about the two of them?"

"Yeah, do you think she's good enough for Maura?"

He shrugged. "I don't see why not. But I know you've got high standards."

"I just don't want her to waste her time and feelings on someone who's not worth it."

"Maura knows what she's doing."

Xx

The next day Maura and Jane met in the station café for a lunch break. "So Maria's really into you."

"You think so?"

Jane raised her eyebrows. "Seriously? She was all over you last night. I bet you guys had fun when you got home."

"I actually think I'm going to break it off with her."

"What? Why? She's not good enough in bed either? Damn you have high standards." Jane was genuinely surprised. They seemed to really like each other.

"Actually she's quite skilled in bed. I orgasmed twice last night." Maura wasn't one to be shy talking about sex; she said this casually, as if she was saying that it had rained last night.

"Ohh, shit I'm jealous. Most times for me the guy either doesn't know what the hell he's doing, or he doesn't care. Well you deserve it. Shame you're breaking it off, what just 'cause you're not in love?"

"No, I know I can't expect to be in love so early in a relationship. But I feel like I couldn't fall in love with her. And as good as the sex is, she's really sweet and I wouldn't want to lead her on."

Jane was a bit confused as to why Maura was only seeing these seemingly great women a few times. "It looks like you're trying to fine "the one" right off the bat…why don't you just take it slow, see what happens? You enjoy Maria's company, don't you?"

Maura only responded to part of that statement. "No, I don't expect to find "the one."


	5. Chapter 5

The next couple weeks passed without much special happening. Maura and Jane were both mostly occupied with work, and Maura hadn't had a date since telling Maria she just wanted to be friends—which Jane doubted would happen at least for a while, with how infatuated Maria seemed to be with her. On a calm Sunday night Jane and Maura were sitting close on the couch as usual.

"So what's the deal with the gay scene? Did you give up on that?"

"No, not intentionally. I just haven't really connected with anyone through chatting. And I haven't had the energy…or the courage, I guess, to go to the bars."

"Well, do you want me to go with you? I'll be like 'Have you seen my friend Maura? The beautiful blonde one over there?'" She raised an eyebrow and winked. "'She's single.'"

Maura huffed in amusement and rolled her eyes. "Oh, please, Jane. If I bring you the whole room will be trying to flirt with you instead. Have you seen yourself?"

Jane shrugged. "I don't think we would be competing for attention that much. The ones that like the girly ones will buy you drinks, and the ones that like the boy-y ones will…expect me to buy them drinks." She smirked. "I dunno, maybe I should try it."

"Perhaps sometime. But right now I am not moving from this couch, I already took my bra off."

"Well I didn't mean _now,_ you goof. Pull up your tinder."

Maura reluctantly opened the app. She swiped left a few times before pausing on a photo she liked. _Emily, 28._

"You like her, huh? Robbing the cradle a bit, though."

"I've read that the guideline for age difference is "half your age plus seven," and she well clears that boundary." She clicked to open the profile. "And look, she's an attorney. Hardly a baby."

"Alright, right it is." Maura swiped and the screen changed. "OoOoh, it's a maaatch." Maura pushed out a breath that Jane took for a yawn. "Bedtime? Start that convo tomorrow, maybe."

Xx

A couple days later Jane, Maura, and Frost were sitting at the bar. Frost pointed at a chalkboard on the wall. "They're having trivia night tomorrow, you guys wanna do it? As long as there isn't too much obscure pop culture stuff, you always nail these things, Maura."

"I can't, I'm getting dinner with someone."

"Yeah? Not Maria again, though, right?" Maura shook her head. "Well maybe if it blows you can come late. So who is she?"

Jane spoke up. "You wanna see her? Another Tinder broad."

Frost grinned. "Sure, if you want to, Maura."

"Yes, okay, fine. Her name is Emily, we're meeting for tapas and drinks." She pulled up the profile.

"Jeez, what's your secret? How do I get women who look like this to go out with me?"

"Show him Andy, too, Maur." She pulled up those photos. "Maura doesn't mess around with non-beautiful women."

Xx

The next afternoon, both women were hanging in Maura's office. "Can you _please_ get some non-terrible chairs in here? I'm starting to think they're an intentional deterrent because you don't want me down here."

Maura wasn't looking at her, but rather at herself in the reflection of the framed painting on the wall. "You know that's not true. I'll buy you a cushion."

"So, two dates, three dates, will this one be four?"

"Well you know I don't make predictions, but that would be an interesting pattern." She was smoothing out non-existent imperfections in her dress. "Do you think this looks wrinkled? It's an Alexander McQueen, which are always lovely, but the fabric can tend to be easily affected. Also, what do you think of these boots, is it too much?"

"No Maur, stop fussing. You look great as always."

There was a knock at the door, which Jane answered. "'Sup Susie."

"Uh, hi detective Rizzoli. Doctor Isles, I have those test results you were waiting on."

"Great, thank you Susie." She briefly looked through the paperwork. "Let's take this upstairs, Jane, it's for the case Barry is lead on."

As they exited the elevator, people turned to look. Everyone knew when Maura Isles was walking into the squad room. The telling click-clack of her heels gave her away, and you could feel in the air the confidence she carried herself with the presence she'd learned to hold despite her social anxiety.

"Good evening everyone," she announced with a smile, as she handed a file to Detective Frost. "Here's the autopsy notes for your John Doe, Frost. I have to be going."

"You look especially nice tonight, Maura." Sergeant Korsak complimented cheerfully. "Another date with Maria?"

A tinge of color flushed Maura's face at the comment, and Jane crosses her arms and looks at her with a happy smirk—a nonverbal "I told you so." But no one else seemed to notice either woman's expression.

"Thank you, Vince. Actually this is a different woman, Emily."

"Ohh, what happened to Maria?" He asked curiously.

"She's a beautiful woman, but I just felt we didn't have enough chemistry to go any further." She said this simply, matter-of-factly, like she wasn't disappointed, and she had no problem with dropping a lover and finding a new one so quickly.

"Well good luck with Emily-I hope sparks fly!" Korsak winked at Maura.

Maura smiled a little bit bashfully. "Thank you Sergeant."

Frost chimed in on her way out. "Don't get too crazy tonight, Doc. It's a school night, remember."

Maura paused and tilted her head. "School?"

Frost smirked playfully and Jane explained. "He's being your dad, Maura. It's something a parent would say to make sure you don't stay up too late on a night when you have somewhere to be the next morning." She saw Maura's face fall slightly, so before Maura could think too much about her lack of watchful parenting, she moved on. "Anyway, have fun tonight, Maur. See you tomorrow."

"Thank you, Jane. Have a good night, everyone." And with that Maura left to drive to her next first date.

Jane and the boys had to work a bit later, sifting through files of cold cases that might be related to their current murder, and didn't make it to trivia. Jane texted Maura as she was about ready to head home. _**Ugh I can't look at another file or my eyes will fall out. Going home. How's the dranks?**_

Maura responded a few minutes later. _**Good! And that's quite the hyperbole, but I'm sure your eyes could use some rest, along with the rest of you.**_

 _ **Yeah I'll prob pass right out. You gonna be out late?**_

 _ **Not sure**_

 _Huh, they must really be hitting it off,_ Jane thought. As Frost joked, it wasn't like Maura to stay out late when she had work the next day. She had her whole routine with her face wash and her lotion and her bedtime reading. In any case, that was the last Jane heard from her until she saw her in the lower level at work the next day.

Usually, they would see each other in the café in the morning, but Angela was on vacation. She was the tenth caller to win an entry to a grand prize of a week's stay in Italy, and everyone in headquarters heard her screaming when she won it. Maura insisted that her birthday (and Christmas, for this year and next, Angela said) present would be to send her there for the rest of a month, to enjoy herself and visit the towns in her family's history.

Taking a break from work, Jane walked off the elevator to see Maura in her office, her back to the open door, appearing to be looking for a particular book on her shelf. Jane knocked on the doorframe. She barely got out a "Hey," before Maura spun around, startled.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya."

"Oh, that's alright," she breathed out. "How's your day going?"

"Ugh," Jane sighed, "We just seem to be hitting dead end after dead end." She wanted to plop down on one of Maura's office chairs, but thought better of it and just leaned against the wall. "How was last night?"

Maura paused for a moment before answering. "The date was really nice."  
"That's great, Maur. Do you think you have more chemistry than with the others?"

Again, Maura didn't reply immediately, like she had to think about what to say. "She's very charming."

"Ookay, well you seem tired today. How're the autopsies going? Wanna get some lunch?"

"Actually, I have to get back to them. I was just in here looking for a book to clarify something that I haven't seen in a while."

"Alright, well how about dinner then-Chinese? I'll pick up and bring to your place?"

Maura gave a weak smile and nodded. "Sure."

 **Xx**

 **I know that's a cheesy reason in the story for why there's no Angela, because ultimately I just don't want her in this story...absolutely come up with your own reasoning for why she's not here :P**


	6. Chapter 6

_The next couple chapters are a bit longer, yippee!_

 **NOTE:** There is a **Trigger Warning** at the bottom of the page. (Spoiler)

 **Xx**

A few hours later, Jane was trying to push through Maura's front door with hands full of take-out Chinese, to find it uncharacteristically locked.

"Weird…" She mumbled. "Her Prius is here." She looked in through the window beside the door and hit the doorbell with her elbow. Her friend came into view from around the corner and came quickly to let her in.

"Sorry, Jane!" She took one of the packages and brought it to the kitchen counter.

"It's alright, I'm glad you're locking it after all the times I've nagged you about it. Just doesn't have to be the day I'm coming with arms full of greasy nourishment." She set her bag down and began taking cartons out.

Maura smiled sheepishly, apologetic.

She pulled plates down from the cabinet and gave them to Jane, who began piling food onto them—something she only did because she knew Maura appreciated eating take-out like a real sit-down meal rather than out of the box. Maura grabbed a beer out of the fridge and set it on the table for Jane before pouring herself a glass of wine. As they began their dinner, she took a large sip and let out a long breath.

"Long day?" Jane asked through a mouthful of lo mein.

"I suppose so. I was very busy with work, so I didn't think much about the time."

Jane looked over at her, though Maura wasn't making eye contact. "Well you look tired, didn't get much sleep last night?"

"No." She responded simply.

Jane looked at her an extra second or two. She was starting to get a little worried about her; Maura wasn't usually as short with her as she had been today unless they were fighting, or there was some kind of rift between them. She didn't think she had done anything wrong, though…but in the past when this happened it usually was later proven that she had. She figured she'd keep talking like normal until Maura told her what it was.

So as they ate, Jane told her about all the trouble the detectives were having with their cases, but Maura wasn't interjecting her thoughts like she normally did so Jane stopped talking about work. She noticed Maura was barely eating, having a small bite of broccoli or chicken periodically. "Aren't you hungry? Didn't you work through lunch?"

"Not eating early in the day can actually suppress one's appetite and cause one not to crave food until the body needs to replenish its nutrients."

"Yeah, alright Google, well you'll have plenty of leftovers, then." Jane knew that something stressful was on Maura's mind, and whether or not it involved her, she hoped she could help her relax a little bit. She put the extra food in the fridge and grabbed another round. "More wine?"

"Yes, thank you." Maura was consuming more alcohol than food tonight, which Jane didn't understand. Maura wasn't that big of a drinker, and Jane knew she had had several drinks the night before with Emily. She would definitely be feeling the after effects of the alcohol from the previous night—how can she feel up to drinking on an empty stomach tonight?

They retreated together to the living room couch. Jane plopped down, while her companion sat softly, knees together toward the coffee table.

"So, tell me about this Emily chick." Jane took a swig of Sam Adams and looked over at Maura, who did not glance up from her drink.

"Our time at the bar was quite lovely. I thought we were really connecting." She stopped there, and took another slow sip of wine.

Jane thought it was weird that Maura wasn't elaborating. She had been very open with Jane about her time with Andy and Maria. Why was she being cryptic about this one?

"But…?" Jane prodded. "You're being weird, Maur, what happened?"

Maura sighed, and reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, though nothing was out of place. "We went to her apartment. We were talking, and having more to drink." She paused, staring at her lap where she was rubbing her thumbs along the outside of her wine glass. Jane waited for her to go on. "We were kissing on her bed. A man came into the room—I sat up, thinking we were accidentally walked in on." Maura hesitated for a moment before continuing. "But Emily kept me from getting up. He said 'You're not going anywhere, we're going to have some fun.'" Maura's voice cracked and she stopped talking.

Jane's stomach lurched. _Oh God, Maura…_ She reached out her hand, and Maura released one hand from her glass to take it. She squeezed her eyes shut.

"They raped me." It was all she choked out.

"God, Maura, I…"Jane's throat closed. She had to force herself to take a breath. She moved closer to Maura as a tear slid onto her painted face. What was she supposed to say? She'd been trained for this, hadn't she? But this wasn't some random victim at the station. This was Maura. Fuck, it was Maura. "I'm so sorry." Something to fill the air. Something meaningless and trite. "I-I'm going to set the wine down, okay?" Jane could hear her voice shifting into the higher, desperate, rough tone she knew only came out when she was really upset.

Maura nodded jerkily, eyes still closed. A tightness was building in Jane's chest. She needed to comfort her, but she didn't want to startle her while she wasn't looking. "I'm putting my hand on your back, is that good?"

Another nod. They sat in silence for a moment, clutching hands, Jane's thumb moving up and down beneath Maura's hair. She opened her mouth, shut it again. Jane thought her blood would be boiling, filled with anger, the need for vengeance. But right now all that mattered was taking care of her best friend.

"Maura, can I—" Her voice came out high and cracked. "-Can I hold you?"

The other woman didn't speak in response, but turned her body and leaned into Jane, who pulled her in and held her tight. Not having a word she thought would do anything to ease the pain, she instead placed a gentle kiss into Maura's hair.

As if some kind of permission was given through Jane's lips, a barrier was released, and Maura began to sob. She clutched onto Jane as her body heaved. Jane threaded her fingers in her golden hair, and told her,

"I've got you.

I love you.

I'm not letting you go."

Some indeterminate time passed between each statement, as Jane tried to soak up some of the hurt, to take it away.

"It's gonna be okay."

Not, _You're okay._ Or, _It's okay._ Because it wasn't. Nothing was fucking okay. She tried not to think about what had happened, and soothe Maura as much as she could with a loving hand on her hair and back.

Jane thought back to when she saw Maura in her office earlier that day, how she took her time thinking of a response to each of her questions about the date. She now realized that Maura was being vague because she didn't want to tell her what had actually happened the night before, but she physically couldn't lie. No wonder she was burying herself in work today. After Hoyt, Jane actually welcomed all the meticulous paperwork she was assigned off the streets, because it helped her bring her mind somewhere other than that basement.

Jane didn't know how long it had been since they sat down when Maura pulled away from her. "Can we go lie down?" It was a rough whisper.

"Yeah, sweetheart. I'll go turn off the lights, and be right there."

Maura started walking to her bedroom, and called back to Jane. "Lock the door and enable the alarm system, please."

 _Oh._

Xx

When Jane walks into the master bedroom, Maura is in the bathroom, water running. She undressed and put on pajama pants and a tank top, something Maura always kept for her in her own pajama drawer. Jane took a deep breath and pulled her hair up like she was going to put it in a ponytail, but she didn't tie it back. She thought she physically ached, thinking about what Maura had been through, and what she could do to help.

As a detective, her mind naturally went to arresting and locking up the people who hurt her. But she didn't know if that would be possible—she couldn't tell if there had been visible physical damage, and she would ask, but she didn't think Maura did or would seek immediate medical care, so there would be no evidence of the assault taking place.

Maura came out of the bathroom in silk pajamas, the purple ones that Jane had always liked. Without her makeup, she looked more like one might expect her to—face colorless, bags under her eyes, which were red from crying. The façade she had been wearing all day was washed away, and she just looked sad and exhausted as she pulled back the covers and slid into bed.

Looking at Maura as they got into bed, Jane saw for the first time a clue of what happened to her—there was fresh bruising forming around her neck, the marks left from someone grabbing her hard. Knowing where to look, she saw them on her wrists as well. Jane closed her eyes, wanting to un-see it, wanting this not to have happened. She turned her head away and shifted in bed, unconsciously trying to ease some of the discomfort she felt.

"Did you—" the words came out rough, and she had to clear her throat. "Did you go to the hospital last night?"

Maura did not look at her as she answered. "No," she said weakly. "I know I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to let anyone see what I had let happen to me."

Now Jane was sure she ached. "Maura." She rebutted immediately. "You didn't let-This wasn't your fault." Maura didn't respond. She turned to switch off the bedside lamp, putting them in darkness. She settled in on her side, facing away from Jane.

Jane stayed on her back, wanting to be ready to talk, or listen, or comfort Maura at any time. As she lay in silence, her thoughts raced. Without Maura in her arms, the anger began to rise. She wanted to kill these terrible people. Maybe she could get caught in a perilous situation with them, and shoot them as a servant of the city of Boston. That would be a way to get away with it, she mused.

Jane was finally starting to close her eyes and try to sleep, when she felt Maura moving beside her. She watched in the moonlight as Maura tensed, her eyes closed tight, her fists clutching the comforter. Her leg kicked under the covers. Jane pushed herself up onto her side and put her hand on Maura's shoulder, wanting to wake her from her nightmare.  
Maura's eyes shot open. " _Please—"_ She begged, her voice desperate.

"Maura." Jane said loudly, trying to disrupt her terror. "Maura, it's Jane. It's me. You're safe." She gently brushed Maura's hair back as she came back to reality. Her pained eyes finding Jane's loving ones brought Maura out of her dream. Her body relaxed somewhat, and the color returned to her hands as she loosened her grip on the blanket. She closed her eyes and took Jane's hand, trying to take a deep breath but just sucking in short gulps of air.

"I'm sorry, Jane. Did I wake you?" She said as soon as she was able.

"No, you didn't. Please don't apologize." Jane squeezed her hand gently. She sat quietly with her as her breathing returned to normal.

With years of experience as a detective, Jane had learned to keep a stoic face despite whatever emotions she was feeling. She was working to stay calm for Maura. To be her solid, safe place, especially as she was coming down from this nightmare. But inside, she was screaming. She was angry and sad and confused and lost and she didn't know what to do. She desperately wanted to help the shaken woman in front of her, but she didn't know how.

"Can I get you anything?" She asked softly.

It took a moment for Maura to answer. "Ibuprofen" she whispered.

Jane's insides constricted. She closed her eyes. She wanted to wrap Maura up and take them back in time so she could tell her not to go on the date with Emily. Or go into Maura's phone and swipe left so that she never had the chance to meet her.

But all she could do was softly squeeze her hand and manage to say, "You got it."

Jane's throat was burning as she walked to the bathroom cabinet, using everything she had not to let herself cry.

 _Fucking bastards. What did you do to her?_ She wanted to know what happened. She didn't want to picture that it was worse than what it was. But what if it was worse than she could even imagine? She realized she didn't want to know. But she expected sooner or later she would learn.

Jane handed Maura the pills and sat back down beside her. She took a breath. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Maura said simply.

Jane breathed out. She lay back into the bed and bent her right elbow on the pillow over her head. In a moment, Maura lay down and cautiously moved into the open space against Jane's body.

"Is this okay?" Her voice was soft and sad.

"Yeah, Maur." Jane kissed the top of Maura's head as she settled onto her chest. "Let's try to get some sleep."

 **Xx**

 _The "something terrible" makes its appearance in this chapter. This story deals with the aftermath of sexual assault, which is discussed explicitly in this chapter and going forward. There is not and_ _ **will not be**_ _graphic detail._


	7. Chapter 7

_Hey everyone! Reviewers mentioned that the last chapter was unexpected and hard to read. Which frankly maybe means that I've done a decent job as a writer so far. This story is told from Jane's perspective-Learning what happened to Maura was out of the blue, and emotional, because that's how it was for Jane. That's how this story will continue to be, and that's why there will never be a description of everything that happened-We follow Jane and know what she knows. I hope you'll continue along with me, and while it will be an emotional ride, there will be Rizzles!_

 **Xx**

Jane woke up the next morning to her work-day alarm, confused to find herself alone in Maura's bed. As the memory of the previous night came to her, she quickly got up, not thinking to go to the bathroom or brush her teeth before heading into the hall.

"Maura?" Jane walked out to find her sitting at the kitchen table with a steaming mug and her tablet.

Bright hazel eyes looked up from the screen. "Good morning, Jane" she greeted with a small smile. "Is something wrong?"

"Hey, no, I just—" _Just what?_ Just wanted to make sure that she hadn't left in the middle of the night? That someone didn't take her? Just wanted to see if everything had just been the conception of her messed up, traumatic-stress-disordered mind?

She switched gears. "How did you sleep?"

"I did not have another night terror." Doctor Isles replied. "However, I rose early and didn't want to wake you."

"Okay, uh, I'm gonna go get ready then." Jane hesitated slightly before turning back towards the hall.

"I'll make your coffee for when you get back."

Jane turned back and caught Maura's eye. She saw _Thank you._ And _I'm sorry I cost you sleep._ And _Things are still normal with us._ Jane smiled the small, loving, _Maura_ smile she usually didn't know she was making, and headed back to the master suite.

Xx

Jane stood motionless under the hot stream of the shower. _Fuck._ She flexed her hands as hard as she could, fingers spread and shaking. Already she felt like a ball of emotion—anger, hatred, sadness, guilt—that could unexpectedly burst at any moment. She knew she needed to release some of the pressure. She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch the porcelain tiles in front of her, over, and over, and over again, as if they were the people who hurt Maura. As if it would help. But she just stood there, forcing herself to take a deep breath. She couldn't make Maura tend to a broken hand. She couldn't make this about her.

But she couldn't pretend that she was okay. Maybe she could talk to Frost. This was one of those situations where she needed her person, but she couldn't lean on her because she was the one hurting the most. She needed to be Maura's person this time. Secondary person would have to do. That is if Maura gave her permission. Jane knew from her own past experiences that if something like this happened to her she wouldn't want anyone to know, wouldn't want anyone to see or treat her differently. Tears came to her eyes.

She turned off the water and buried her face in her towel.

Xx

Back in the kitchen in her work clothes, sitting drinking coffee with Maura, Jane was trying to find the words she needed. "So, you can totally say no…" Maura looked at her patiently, waiting for her to finish her thought. "But, uh **,** would it be okay for me…to talk to Frost? About—" she stopped anxiously rubbing her scars, which she had started unconsciously, to open her hands outward in a vague gesture to finish her sentence.

Without giving Maura much time to respond, she continued quickly, "I mean, I totally understand if you don't want anybody to know—"

Maura responded in a much more even tone than Jane expected. "It's not anybody. It's Barry. And I know all of this-" She made a gesture similar to Jane's. "-is hard for you to deal with alone. You can talk to him."

Jane let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. Of course Maura would be understanding, she realized. If the situation had been reversed, Maura would want to go to Frost, too.

Another alarm went off on Jane's phone. "We should head out." Jane cleared her throat and stood up, downing the rest of her coffee. Car rides alone were always "me time," and right now she needed it to get herself together and into "Badass Detective Rizzoli" mode. "I'll see you at work?"

Xx

The detectives got out of work late, but Jane and Frost had already agreed to meet for drinks after. Jane told him to come to some pub he had never been to, several blocks away from the station. She arrived before he did, and when he got there Jane was sitting at the bar with two empty shot glasses and an almost finished bottle of beer.

"Jane, woah, why the head start? And why aren't we at the Robber?"

"I can't have our conversation becoming cop gossip. Lager?" They grabbed their beers and Jane led them to a table against the wall.

"Alright, talk to me, partner. What's going on?"

"You know that date Maura had the other night?"

Frost nodded. "Yeah, Emily."

Jane grimaced at the name. She drank some of her beer, psyching herself up to tell her friend what had happened that night.

"They went back to her apartment after the bar, and that _fucking_ woman and her _fucking_ sidekick man—" The hurt and the sad and the love she felt had been expressed last night with Maura. Here was the overwhelming anger Jane knew had been there, too. "They fucking _raped_ Maura."

Frost's brow furrowed and his eyes widened. "What?" An instinctual response. It's not like he didn't hear her. Jane didn't say anything as she let him catch up to understand something he didn't know how to believe. "Like, Emily was in on it?"

"Like, she participated." Jane's voice was stiff with rage, and her hands were clenched in fists. She saw Frost glance at her scars, stark against her skin. She didn't even care that they were so visible—she wasn't thinking for her own sake right now.

"Jesus, Jane…" Frost breathed out. He appeared at a loss for words. "How…how's she doing?" He asked awkwardly.

"The fuck kind of question is that? She sobbed in my arms last night. She had a vivid nightmare I helped bring her down from, before I gave her fucking _Advil_ because she still fucking _hurts_ from what they did to her."

He cringed, and looked guilty for asking, and maybe for saying what came out next, too. "I had no idea…she's seemed fine at work." Like Jane's _"I'm so sorry,"_ he said this like it was just something to say, like he knew that didn't mean anything.

"You know how Maura is…all the shitty things through her life, she just buries herself in her work and keeps going."

"But how—how did _this_ shitty thing happen? Why did she have to meet this _evil_ person? This woman chose Maura, she got her to like her, she charmed her into her bedroom, to hurt her like that." Jane shook her head, maybe trying to shake the thoughts out of her head. "We've seen women murderers, sociopaths—but not women rapists. There must be others," she thought aloud, "SVU must have seen it all. I just…I don't understand."

Jane downed the rest of her beer and stood up. "I'm getting another round." She didn't look back at Frost. She knew he didn't approve, and she also knew he knew better than to try to stop her.

She came back carrying two bottles in one hand, and a shot of whiskey in the other. She sat down and threw it back.

"Why didn't I stop her?" She asked dejectedly.

"What do you—"

"Why didn't I keep Maura from going to meet her? Why didn't I know what she was?"

"Jane, stop, you couldn't possibly have known."

"I've seen enough bad guys, right? I should be able to pick them out on _sight!"_ With the last word, she picked up her whiskey glass and slammed it into the table. The glass shattered, briefly quieting the room, and cut her hand. She knew it must hurt, but she couldn't feel it.

Jane vaguely saw as Frost raised his hand, stopping the bar-back who had started over to clean up the pieces.

"How—" Her voice faltered, and she felt it reaching toward the desperation decibel again. "How do I get away with killing them? Huh?" She was falling from her rage, tears building in her throat.

"Jane, please…you gotta calm down. You can't go off the deep-end like this. Maura needs you to be her rock. You've always been there for her, You—" He paused, took a breath, and wiped his nose on his sleeve. He couldn't pretend that he wasn't emotional, too. "You're her everything-and don't act like you don't know that. You can't go crazy like this, okay?"

Jane sat silently, head in her hands.

"Are you seeing her tonight?"

"Yeah," she mumbled. "Going to her place."

"I'll drive you. Your car at the station?" Jane nodded. She didn't have the energy to argue.

Frost put his hand on her shoulder and guided her out of the bar. "I've got a kit in the car, let's get your hand wrapped up so you don't bleed all over Maura's house."

Jane was ashamed. Maura would hate how she acted tonight. Cursing and breaking things and getting herself hurt, talking about her. She rode with Frost in silence, staring out the window. She felt so powerless, like when her pop left her ma and she became so depressed, or when she was fawning over Casey and he left for a mission in Afghanistan and she didn't know if the last time she saw him would be the last forever. She wanted to help Maura so badly, take away her hurt and her fear. But it wasn't like she had a magic wand she could wave and make it all go away.

She used her key to get into the house; it was late and she didn't know if Maura would be awake. The warning alarm sounded, and she quickly turned it off and set it again.

"Hey." Came Maura's voice from the couch, and Jane started slowly moving in that direction. "How was your night?"

"Fine." Came the automatic response.

Maura looked up at her and her brow creased in concern. "You drank heavily." It wasn't a question. Maura could read her like a book. "You didn't drive, did you?"

"No, Frost dropped me" she sighed. "So can you take me to the station to get my car tomorrow? If it's not too much trouble." Tomorrow was Saturday, so they wouldn't just be going straight to work in the morning. Jane was grateful for that, because she knew she would have at least somewhat of a hangover the next day.

"Of course, Jane. I'm glad you left it there." Maura patted the space beside her on the couch, an invitation for Jane to join her.

Jane passed it up. "I gotta pee, and then I might just go to bed." Jane was so tired, and she was sure she sounded pathetic.

"I'll come too then," Maura said through a yawn.

"You didn't have to wait up for me" Jane said apologetically, feeling guilty that she stayed out so late.

"I didn't want to be asleep" Maura admitted. "But I don't think I can stay awake much longer." She rose and followed Jane. "Does being over-tired tend to prevent nightmares? Or cause them? In your experience." She asked.

"I'm not sure." That was mostly a lie. She had experienced several nightmares after being awake past exhaustion. But sometimes that was when she was terrified of Hoyt and company, and she probably would have had them anyway. This was a similar situation.

"But if you get one, I'll be here."

They got ready for bed and their exhaustion actually took them both to sleep soon after.

Xx

Jane woke up sometime during the night hearing Maura crying beside her. "Maura?" Jane reacted before she was fully awake. After a moment she turned towards Maura, wanting to calm her. Like the night before, she saw her moving in her sleep, eyes closed tight, though with tears running down her face. Again, she placed her hand on her arm.

"Maura, Hey, it's okay. It's Jane."

Maura twitched and her face changed, seeming to hear her, but she didn't still. Jane shifted up in bed and held Maura's hip.

"Maur—"

Maura's eyes opened wide and she jerked away from her. "Jane stop!" She cried out.

Jane immediately moved back as if she had been burned. Maura looked back at her wide-eyed, her breath caught in her throat.

Jane wasn't breathing either. She just stared as Maura stood and quickly shut herself in the bathroom.

Jane sat on the bed, still bewildered. Then came the guilt. _I shouldn't have touched her._ _Dammit Jane!_ She sighed, angry at herself. But that's how she helped her calm down last night. She felt confused and powerless.

Then she heard Maura crying again, weeping behind the bathroom door. Jane went over and raised her hand to knock, but then stopped, frozen in indecision, just listening. She took a deep breath and gently rapped on the door. The crying paused.

"Hey…I—I'm sorry I scared you. Please let me help."

"Just leave me alone!" Came the stern reply. Then, weaker, "Please."

"What—" _What did I do wrong?_ Jane wanted to ask. _Why are you shutting me out?_ But instead she respected Maura's wishes.

"I'll be on the couch… Let me know if…I can get you anything, or…anything." No response. Jane knew she sounded dumb. Maura clearly didn't want her with her, and it's not like she was physically disabled now—she could easily get anything she wanted in the house.

Alone for the rest of the night, Jane barely slept. She faded in and out of consciousness, her alcohol-laden mind and her concern for Maura keeping her from getting any real rest.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey guys,_

 _I want to address something for my own sake and other writers'. I got a pretty nasty review from a guest for my last chapter. I absolutely welcome criticism (though it can be scary), however getting a note from a troll hiding behind a guest review (no way for me to respond) is very frustrating, and did kind of upset me in the moment. I know, though, that jerks like that should have no impact on the way I feel about my writing or the style I continue to write it in. That goes for all of us—please, if you are a writer, try not to let stuff like that get to you, and absorb the positive and constructive reviews you receive to encourage you._

 _Secondly, to address the actual point of the criticism—that I am not writing Jane and Maura in character. I established in an author's note a few chapters back that I see this taking place in a slightly modified ~season 2 - - season 4~ universe. I enjoyed the show and the characters a whole lot more then than later, and by the end of the series I had actually stopped watching all together because I felt that the writers of the show had actually done a disservice to the original characters. So if you are going to compare my characters to those on the show, please do so from that mindset. I also admit that I have never read the books (though from what I've learned, the show diverts from the books quite a lot so I'm not sure why that's relevant.)_

 _Anyway! Back to the story_

 _ **Xx**_

Jane woke from a fitful sleep at 9:05 with a dry mouth and a throbbing headache. She got up from the couch and headed toward the kitchen, expecting to see Maura sitting at the table with a cappuccino made from panda poop or something. But the room was empty, so she went to Maura's bedroom and carefully opened the door so as not to wake her. But she wasn't there either. Jane started to worry.

"Maura?" she called, in the bedroom, in the hall, in the backyard. Finally she saw a note on the island.

 _I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. I had to go into work early this morning, and I didn't want to wake you. I'll reimburse you for the Uber to get your car._

Jane was a little confused as to why Maura had to go into work early on a weekend she was not on call. She figured she must have gotten word about a body, and Jane knew Maura would welcome work as a much needed distraction from the memories she knew were haunting her.

Next to the note, she realized, was a handful of pills—Excedrin, and some vitamins she was sure were the ones she lost from being drunk. As she took the medicine with a tall glass of water, she thought about how amazing a person Maura was. Even at her lowest points, she was always thinking of others.

Jane made herself some coffee with Maura's fancy machine. As always, it made her feel significantly better practically instantly. Maura would say that it was just a placebo effect, that coffee couldn't possibly improve a person's physical state in only a minute. But Jane didn't care—placebo or not, she needed it. She sat down on the couch to watch some ESPN, but she quickly got bored. She hated to admit it to herself, but she missed her ma while she was out of the country. It was weird not having her barging into Maura's house at any given time, or nagging her in the café about she should care more about her appearance and stop working so much.

Frankie was away, too. He was selected to go on an undercover assignment in Western Mass, for supposedly working harder than any other beat cop and having an interest in helping follow leads (though everyone knew being a Rizzoli might have something to do with it as well.)

So she had no one to hang around with. It may be just as well, she thought—they would know she was upset about something, and she wouldn't tell them what. It would be nice to have a distraction though, from the terrible images that kept passing through her mind, and the anger and helplessness she was feeling.

She thought she might as well try Frost. _Yo whatre you up to today?_

There was no immediate response, and Jane realized it was still in the 9:00 hour. He was probably still asleep (especially after how late she kept him up last night) and she hoped she didn't wake him. She sighed heavily and gulped down the rest of her coffee. She turned off the TV that she couldn't focus on and ordered an Uber to come take her to the station. She needed to get her car, and she could use it as an excuse to pop into the morgue and see Maura for a bit.

Xx

"Who've we got?" Jane slipped on some scrubs and went towards the table where Maura was performing an autopsy. Maura glanced up at Jane but quickly looked back at the body she was working on.

"James Hopkins Jr., according to the ID found on his body."

"Did Pike call out or something? I thought you weren't on call this weekend."

"Even on days when I am not expected to be the lead medical examiner, I am still included in a system which notifies my team of questionable deaths. I was awake when I got the notification, and I called Pike off the case.

"Are there special circumstances involving the death or discovery or something?"

"Not particularly, no." Maura continued to only look down at her work, not interrupting her focus to look at Jane or say anything more than an answer to her question.

"So why'd you decide to come in?"

"I enjoy my work. Until you have information regarding a potential homicide case for this man, please leave me to it so I can focus fully."

 _Is Maura kicking me out?_ "Uh yeah, okay," Jane stepped away from the table. "Well let me know if you find anything interesting."

"I will write a thorough report as I always do."

Jane left the morgue, confused. As she rode the elevator back up to the garage, she wondered why Maura was being so distant and short with her today. She figured it was a continuation of whatever had caused her to push her away the night before. Usually when Maura snapped at her Jane knew, or later realized, it was because she was being an asshole. But Jane didn't know what she had done wrong.

She tried to push the concern away, and replaced it with the thought that she might as well enjoy her day off by herself. It was pretty rare that she had those anymore (she was always spending time with Maura and the rest of her family). She grabbed her car and headed for home, stopping at her favorite local hole-in-the-wall pizza place. She plopped down on her couch with a beer and her medium pizza all to herself.

"Ahh, greasy goodness. At least I can eat you without being nagged about how bad you are for me." She was talking out loud to her food. If Maura were here, she would definitely be giving her a disapproving look, if not also ranting about saturated fat and whatever else—that is if she hadn't convinced Jane to get something healthier in the first place. Sometimes Jane secretly liked that Maura nagged her about things, because she knew she did it because she cared about her. She would talk back and roll her eyes if it was her Ma or even Frankie, but with Maura it was different.

After a while binge-watching sports documentaries on Netflix, she texted her.

 _You wanna do something tonight? Like something fun_

She didn't expect an immediate response since she knew Maura was in the morgue. But a bit later came the * bling *

 _No, I want to spend the night alone._

Jane sighed a little. She didn't know why Maura was mad at her, and it sucked. She was afraid if she continued to spend the whole day alone she would just keep drinking by herself and get swallowed up by her anger and angst.

She checked the baseball app on her phone, then texted Frost. _Yo you wanna come over and watch the baseball game_

 _Sure, what time should I get there_

 _Whenever. I'm not doing anything_

Xx

A couple hours later they were chilling drinking beer in front of the Red Sox-Orioles game. "Maura freaked out on me last night." Jane stated without any lead-in. "She went to work today when she didn't have to. I thought we could do something fun tonight, get out, you know…but she said she wanted to be alone." She took a big sip of beer, still staring straight at the TV.

"You do spend a lot of time together. And I can't imagine what she's going through, but you know you wanna be left alone sometimes when you're dealing with stuff." He also didn't shift his gaze from the game. This was how bro-talk worked. "Maybe she just needs some space." He didn't ask what she meant by "freaked out." That was another rule—don't press about things, just let each other say what they need to say.

"Yeah, but she's being kind of a jerk, too, and I don't know what I did to set her off."

"Maybe nothing, don't tell me you haven't snapped at all of us for no reason when you're upset."

She shrugged. He was probably right. She tried to push all of that aside and focus her attention on Big Papi's at bat.

She never really said it, but Jane was immensely grateful for Frost. He was never pushy, but he was always there when you needed him, with a corny smile, or an innuendo, or a listening ear, or someone to back you up.

They ended up spending a lot of time together over the next several days. Maura was continuing to be distant, not hanging out with Jane and even going as far as to only give information to Frost or Kosak in order to avoid her. Frost came over to watch baseball again, and spent a couple long nights at the bar with her, listening to her complain and worry about the same things constantly.

"The hell isn't she talking to me?" Jane said every night after a couple beers. "What do I do? What _did_ I do? Has she talked to you?" He didn't say so, but she knew he was concerned about her and didn't want her to drink alone.

By the end of the week she couldn't take it anymore. She missed Maura and she needed to know what was going on. She was worried about her—why was she blocking her out? Why was she insisting on dealing with everything alone? On Friday afternoon she headed down to the morgue, determined to talk to Maura.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hallo! Thanks for the supportive reviews guys! Here is a new angsty chapter for you. Someone mentioned wanting to see another story from me-I'm actually revisiting an old story of mine that I abandoned, an SVU fic. If you're at all interested in the characters on that show/my writing please go check it out!_

 ** _Xx_**

In the elevator, Jane stood anxiously rubbing her hands. This time it wasn't just a subconscious nervous tick—they were actually sore. A few days prior, she went to Korsak asking for the keys to the cadet training room.

" _I need to punch something." She said simply. Korsak gave her a quick curious glance, but didn't ask why, as he took the key off his carabineer and handed it to her. Like Frost, he knew not to pry, and Jane was also sure he noticed that she had been stressed lately, and that she and Maura were currently at odds._

 _Locked alone in the training room, Jane put her hair up tight and wrapped her hands. And finally she could let it all out. She started wailing on one of the realistic boxing dummies, throwing blow after blow. She imagined she was punching_ _ **them**_ _. She saw Emily's profile picture in her mind, and she mangled her face to a pulp, beating her to within an inch of her life, and letting her suffer for a bit before ending it._

 _She screamed, at the top of her lungs, shouting with everything she had until she made herself hoarse and nothing came out but air or an uncomfortable squeak._

 _As her adrenaline wore off, the pain came. She thought she'd never worked out so hard in her life. This would have to do, she knew. Frost was right. She couldn't go off the deep-end. This wasn't about her._

The chime of the elevator brought her out of her daydream. She walked towards Maura's office, but stopped when she heard Frost's voice.

"It makes sense, psychologically."

"Maybe I can understand that logically, but none of this is logical. And I'm…I'm so ashamed that I could even come up with the idea." Maura sounded sad and frustrated. _What idea?_

"It's not shameful. You know Emily was a placeholder for Jane and your dream mind put Jane there in her place, telling you it was her that night."

"But I know it wasn't her. I know it could _never_ be her. But I can't get the pictures out of my head." There was a quiet moment and Jane wondered if there was some non-verbal communication she couldn't see. "I know I shouldn't be pushing her away. And I…I need her. I miss her. So much." Jane thought she sounded like she was about to cry, or she was already teary.

 _I miss you too, Maur'._

"So tell her that. Stop blocking her out. Tell her everything. Tell her you love her."

"Oh, stop, Frost."

"You stop, Maura! Stop pretending that it will be good enough getting "Jane" from other people. Three women with long dark hair right after another, when you haven't dated for months? You're searching for something you're never gonna find. Talk to her. Tell her you can't live like this anymore."

"But what if she can't love me the same way?"

"She already does."

There's a pause where neither of them speaks, and now Jane is sure Maura is crying.

"I can't lose her."

"You won't."

The conversation must have continued, but Jane couldn't hear it. Her mind was literally buzzing, trying to process everything she overheard. _Placeholder? What pictures? Searching for what?_ Her heart was pounding and her throat was burning as it all sank in. _She dreamed that it was me?_

She was brought back to reality when she heard heavy footsteps coming her way. She carefully moved to hide around a corner where she wouldn't be seen. Her pulse was racing and she needed to follow Frost and demand an explanation of what the hell that was. But she didn't want Maura to see or hear her, and know that she was eavesdropping, so she stayed still until she heard the office door lock and clicking heels pass by.

She rushed up the stairs and peeked through the window in the door to the proper floor to try to see if anyone was still around. Seeing the area empty, she retrieved her things from her desk, and immediately texted Frost.

 _We need to talk, now_ Send.

 _I overheard you talking downstairs just now_ Send.

A moment later she got a reply.

 _That other bar?_ Was all it said.

 _Yes now_

Xx

This time Frost had gotten there slightly before her, and Jane saw him grabbing two beers from the bartender as she walked in. She followed him to that same table by the wall. He set a bottle in front of her and looked at her expectantly, clearly waiting for Jane to start asking questions or potentially yell at him.

Jane didn't bother trying to frame what she was going to say; she just started talking. "I heard her say that she's been having dreams that…" Now she paused, hesitating to say the words out loud. "That it was me who…" _Speak, Jane._ The word wouldn't come. "Who hurt her."

Frost just looked back at her with a slight cringe. Not having anything to deny, he waited for her to continue.

"So that's why she won't talk to me? Because she thinks I would do that to her?" She heard her voice and how upset she sounded. This is why she picked a different pub. She couldn't let anyone see her like this.

Frost closed his eyes and shook his head slightly. "Did you hear what else she said?" He looked back up at her, more confident. "That she knows you would never hurt her. It was just a dream."

Now it was Jane's turn to huff and close her eyes and shake her head. "Okay, but dreams are based on our real feelings—they don't just come from thin air!" Jane was sure of that from her own experiences. "So…so on some level she's afraid of me?"

He sighed softly. "No. Did you hear what I told her?" Jane looked up at him, her head hung slightly, waiting for him to explain. "That it's because she went to be with Emily because she couldn't be with you, that Emily was just a placeholder for you, so a nightmare put you there instead." Jane remained silent, staring him in the eye, demanding he explain.

"Maura wants to be with you Jane." He said simply. "But she thinks she never can be, so she's been seeing other women to try to fill the void."

Jane's head was fuzzy. She couldn't wrap her mind around what he was telling her. All she could comprehend right now was the heavy weight of guilt coursing through her, superseding any logical understanding. She didn't know what to say.

"So…she's been having sex with women because she wants to have sex with me?"

Frost lifted his hands and clapped them together lightly, his jaw stiff. Like he did when he was frustrated with someone, and something they didn't get. "Jane—" He looked up at her, and his face and voice softened. "Jane, think about when you were in love with Casey—when you thought you were in love with Casey—you wanted it all, you wanted all of him…Maura wants all of you. Sex is just the easiest thing to get from other people."

" _Stop pretending that it will be good enough getting "Jane" from other people."_

Jane took a breath to say something, but she didn't have anything ready. She wondered how Frost knew all of this, when he got so wise and well spoken. She took a couple long sips of beer to try to sooth the ache in her throat. All Jane could manage to clearly think through her fog was that she loved Maura and she felt terrible for causing her any pain.

"Did you hear the rest of the conversation?" This had become a pretty one-sided talk. Yes, Jane did hear past that, but she didn't trust her memory. She wanted to hear it from Frost. So she stayed silent, waiting for him to repeat what was said. But he didn't; he raised his eyebrows at Jane, signaling that he wanted a response.

"She misses me." Jane spoke timidly, staring at her beer label. "You told her to tell me she loves me."

There was a quiet moment, which perhaps Frost extended in an attempt to push Jane to break the silence. When she didn't, he breathed out a quiet sigh and spoke up.

"You two are in love, Jane. You have been for…you always have been. Maura has known for a while.

Jane thought she would be more reactive to such a powerful statement. But she just sat there quietly, her heart pounding in her ears. Normally over the years when someone would suggest that she wanted to be with a girl, she would brush it off; she was pretty confident that she was straight. But right now, she didn't know if she could deny what he was saying. _But what does he mean, Maura has known?_

"I really shouldn't be telling you this. I'm breaking Maura's confidence…" Jane looked up to see him rubbing his hand over his short hair. "But I know you're upset, and I need to reassure you about what's been going on. She's not mad at you."

Jane finally had something to say. "Seems like you guys have had a heart to heart about this before."

"Yeah, we talk."

"What do you mean, she's known? How long is a while?"

Frost looks down and shakes his head, refusing to answer the question and putting the focus back on her. "But you're too stupid to see, and Maura is too scared to lose you, so she won't… You have to get it through your head that you love her—"

"Of course I love her."

"As more than a friend. So when you're ready to talk about that, I'll be here. But I can't give you any more insight into Maura. You need to talk to her yourself."

Jane returned to her silent contemplation, her mind becoming heavier but also more clear as she continued to drink. The guilt was becoming unbearable. This was one of those times where she desperately wanted liquor while being completely aware that it would likely only make her feel worse.

"Will you do a shot with me?" She looked up at Frost. It sounded like the most sure thing she had voiced all day.

He looked back at her for a moment with a sad but understanding gaze. "Sure."

As he went to get the whiskey, Jane was left alone with her thoughts. _I'm too stupid to see? Is all of this true? So…_ she closed her eyes and tried to swallow away the worsening pain in her throat. _So she would never have met Emily if it wasn't for me?_

Frost returned with two doubles of Jameson, and Jane clinked his glass with hers before downing it in two sips. The powerful liquid somehow instantly flipped a switch inside her and she felt her eyes finally prickling with tears. She put her head in her hands, fingers together and thumbs apart as if she was praying, compelling a god that she didn't believe in to help her, to set things right.


	10. Chapter 10

_Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since the last update, it was a stressful week. Hopefully this is somewhat satisfying!_

 ** _Xx_**

 _Maura was ahead of her, leaping over a series of massive tree roots. She wore a flawless Alexander McQueen dress. Jane followed several yards behind, running after her. "Wait!" She called. "Maura!" But the sound was muffled and she didn't seem to hear her. Jane tripped over the roots. Maura was further ahead now. As Maura weaved around a tree, Jane saw that she was only flawless from the back. Her makeup stained her face, and her dress was ripped fully down the middle. "Maura!" She continued desperately calling, out of breath. "Maura, I'm sorry! I love you!" She never turned or slowed. It was too late._

Jane woke up from her Saturday morning dream. In her half-asleep state she whispered to herself "I do love her…I have to tell her." She faded in and out restlessly for most of an hour before she finally groaned and got up to put on some coffee. She plopped down in front of the pre-game baseball news with her breakfast and tried to make herself relax. But of course she couldn't.

She kept replaying the dream in her mind, twisting it and adding to it til she made herself nauseous. _It was me she was running from._ She put her fist against her mouth and stared into space. _It was me who hurt her, who ripped her dress, who-_

 _But it never could have been me._ She'd never thought about having sex with Maura in any circumstance, so it was moot, non-applicable. Frost was right, they were all just dreams.

But what if she did? What if she did want to be with her, as she was painfully and confusingly coming to realize? Could it be her? _I could never get off on someone's suffering and fear. And I could certainly never lay a hand on Maura._ But she felt like she didn't know anything for sure anymore. Clearly Maura's subconscious thought it was possible. She downed the rest of her coffee and replaced it with a beer. She sat there drinking and staring, half-listening, at the TV. In just a couple minutes she hit the last sip of her bottle, and she groaned as she got up to get more. This time she grabbed two, so she wouldn't have to get up for a little bit longer than before.

The clinking of the glass together sent her back to a place in her mind she hadn't been for a while. She closed her eyes and saw the crime reenactments she had created and repeated in her head during the Hoyt cases. Hoyt on top of a woman. Her husband sitting bound and knocking his tea set to the floor with a shatter, unable to sit still while watching his wife raped and tortured. And then Jane was on the floor. With Hoyt over her, staked to the ground. Herself about to be raped and killed if Korsak hadn't found her at that moment. She gritted her teeth and screamed through her frazzled hair that had fallen in front of her face during her flashback.

It's a wonder she didn't drop the beer. She held one to her face and relished the cold bottle against her skin. She sat back down on the couch and drank most of it in one go.

*Bling *

It was Frost. _How are you doing?_

 _Shitty_

 _You want me to come over?_

She replied with only the shrugging emoji.

 _Coming_

Xx

By the time he got there, Jane had finished her two beers and had gotten two more. She had unlocked the door for him a few minutes before he was set to get there as she always did, and he walked in to see her on the couch with the baseball game turned up much louder than normal.

"That beer isn't for you, get your own."

He obliged, getting one from the kitchen and coming back to sit next to her, still not having said a word. They sat there together watching the game in silence for a few minutes.

"What if I am that person in Maura's dream." She said it more like a statement than a question, not giving the effort to inflect her voice. And maybe it was a true statement anyway, she thought.

More silence. Frost was waiting for her to say more.

"Maybe I am horrible."

"Jane you aren't horrible. You're an amazing person."

Frost had always looked up to Jane, and she thought that sometimes he held her in a light that she didn't deserve. Maybe now that he had been seeing her at one of the lowest points in her life, he would have a better understanding of just how imperfect she was.

"But what about Hoyt." She swallowed, maybe trying to push down the mess of emotions and memories that were swirling confusingly in her drunken body. "He could have made me bad."

"That's not true. You are nothing like him."

She wasn't taking in what he was saying. She was too busy with all her emotions, intensified by the alcohol, drowning out any rational input.

"Have I been cruel to her?" It was finally a question, something she wanted a real answer to. This was something more concrete-just exactly how shitty of a person was she. How badly had she treated her favorite person in the world.

"No." It was all he said, and several moments went by before Jane glanced at him quickly while mostly looking at the TV. Seeming to get the acknowledgement he wanted, he continued. "You can be a jerk sometimes, yeah, and your obliviousness has hurt her."

Obliviousness. She was one of the best detectives the BPD has seen. She prided herself on her perception and awareness. How could she be so blind to Maura? To her relationship with Maura?

"How long has she loved me?" Her voice was cracking again. "Or known she loved me?"

"Dammit Jane, talk to her yourself."  
"How? She won't talk to me! She hasn't even looked at me in a week!" Jane remembered back to the last night they spent together. How Maura had rejected her comfort and locked herself in the bathroom.

" _Jane stop!"_

Jane let out a strangled sob, bringing her hand to her face.

Frost was looking at her now, the bro talk apparently having escalated to "my friend needs help" talk. He shifted towards her, pulling his leg up to the couch to face her more fully. "It's all gonna be okay."

Jane remembered how she said that to Maura that evening on the couch. How could she have known everything that was going to happen since then? What she's learned about the past? What would happen going forward? Would Maura ever be able to look at her the same, love her the same?

"But what if it can't, Frost. What if I've managed to ruin everything? What if I've fucked up the life I'm supposed to have with Maura?" She considered what she'd just said. It came out freely, easily, in her drunken state…was that true? Was she meant to be life partners with Maura?

"You can have it, Jane, believe me you can have it. Maura has never stopped wanting that." Jane still wasn't quite listening to him, though he was giving answers to her questions, and her thought process continued without interruption as if he hadn't spoken.

 _I kind of already am,_ she realized. She'd always called Maura her best friend, but she'd always on some level understood that it was more than that. _"You're her everything."_ Maura was her everything.

"I love her so much." She made eye contact with Frost. This wasn't a question, or an inkling, or angsty self-deprecation. This she was sure of.

Frost smiled a light, genuine smile that she could see in his eyes. Jane always thought he was handsome when he did that. "Tell her that."

For the first time in a while, definitely since before last Thursday, Jane was a little bit hopeful. She took a swig of beer, but this time out of casual habit rather than intentional intoxication. "So we've always loved each other, huh? And you knew this?"

Frost huffed lightly, apparently in amusement. "I mean, maybe it's because I see a lot of both of you, and the two of you together, but yeah it's been hard to miss, dude." So maybe Frost was actually more observant and attentive than she was. He was obviously a tech genius, and apparently he was good at reading people, too.

"The way you guys look at each other sometimes…like sometimes it's intense, like fireworks, like how haven't they—" He took a sip of beer. "And then sometimes it's like…there have never been two people that loved each other more…you know? Like when are they going to figure this out, seriously."

Jane was somewhat in disbelief of Frost's seemingly extreme statements. He had to be stretching a bit here. "So you know all this just through looks? Come on, you can't know I loved her just by how my eyes look."

"I mean, of course it's your actions, too. You're so protective of her—" Jane opened her mouth to give a sort of rebuttal. "—and don't even with the 'I'm a good cop, I'm protective of everyone.'" She closed her mouth. Yes, that is what she was going to say. She decided not to argue; she knew by now that he was right-apparently he was right about everything. She would have to get him back somehow, she knew she would never live this down.

Now Jane's brain caught up with something he had said. "Okay wait, you said 'Like fireworks, like how haven't they…' How haven't we what…?"

He looked down with a guilty little grin. He shrugged. "Like, how haven't they fucked yet."

Jane scoffed, taken aback. "What! Seriously?" Now she was giving him a certain familiar look. "Now you're just making shit up. I'm not into women."

He brought his bottle down from his mouth to point it slightly towards her. "You're into Maura."

Again, Jane opened her mouth to speak, but she decided against it. She thought that trying to talk about that right now would open a whole can of worms that she wasn't ready to deal with yet. She had enough to unpack without thinking about sex, a topic she wasn't all that comfortable with in a regular, non-am I in love with my best friend-situation. She was subconsciously twirling a piece of her hair and pulling it into her mouth; she had unknowingly finished her last beer and didn't have the urge to go grab another one.

With Jane in a better state, they were back to bro talk mode, so Frost didn't push further when Jane didn't respond. They continued watching baseball, but Jane wasn't really focusing because she couldn't stop thinking about Maura. (This ~watching baseball but not really~ had become a regular habit these days, she realized.) She knew she was most herself when she was with Maura, and she knew that was true for Maura, too. That wasn't a new discovery. Jane almost always had her guard up—being tough and stoic at work, and not letting her ma or brother worry about her (as much as she could deter it). But with Maura, she could be vulnerable—she was silly, without worrying about being funny, or making a fool out of herself, and every emotion (good or bad or somewhere in between) she otherwise suppressed could be let into the light when it was just the two of them. All of this could potentially be attributed to strong friendship.

But then there was the rest of it. The way she could be pulled out of a bad mood instantly when she heard the click-clack of Maura's heels as she came into the squad room unexpectedly. And how she really believed that Maura laughing at her jokes was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen…it was all coming into place. She wouldn't have used those words if someone had asked her for them, but Jane knew that she already knew. And how—and this she knew consciously from the start—the most comfortable and safe she's ever felt is when she's lying close with Maura. _Well jeez, when you put it that way…_ She rolled her eyes at herself. What seemed so incredulous and intangible just yesterday now seemed obvious. She fucking loved Maura, and she was going to do something about it.

She was brought out of her revelatory daydream by Frost's voice. "So. You gonna talk to her?"

And Jane fell from any new high she may have had thinking about Maura, as she remembered that confessing her love to her might be hard since she was completely avoiding her.

"If she'll listen to me…if I get even a minute together with her, which she's made sure didn't happen for the last week." Jane sighed, and her state of mind fell towards hopelessness again.

"She will. Maybe not this minute, but she will." This was another of Frost's comments that she passed over, barely registered and unanswered.

"What if it's too late?" She was almost crying again. "What if all of this-" she waved her arms dramatically, "means she's given up on me?"

"Maura could never give up on you Jane."


	11. Chapter 11

_I'm so sorry for the delay in getting this chapter written! Life has been nuts. It's a short chapter but I hope you like it. Hopefully I'll have the next one up for you soon! Thank you so much for your supportive reviews and follows._

 _ **Xx**_

Over the next several days Jane tried not to self-medicate. Well, not with alcohol, anyway. She didn't keep any beer at home and only brought cash to the bar so that if she didn't cut herself off the money would. With a (more) rational state of mind Jane could think about things without being overwhelmed by all the emotions that had been haunting her lately. And the more she thought, the more foolish she felt.

Clearly, she was in love with Maura. Hindsight is always 20/20, she knew, and the more she looked back at her recent years with Maura as her best friend, the more obvious it became how she had always felt about her. She pictured what life could be like going forward.

 _She was walking through the park with Maura, arm in arm. Maura let out a silly giggle at some pun that Jane made, followed by an all out, beautiful laugh as Jane continued with a ridiculous joke. Jane felt herself beaming, something that she in the past had usually suppressed into a cocky smirk. Maura stopped walking and raised herself onto her toes in order to kiss Jane's creased cheek. Jane turned to her and took her face in her hand to kiss her fully on the lips…_

"Helloo…Earth to Jane!" She was yanked out of her daydream by Korsak's loud voice calling to her from his desk a few feet away.

"Huh?" She looked up to see Korsak and Frost staring at her, Frost with a concerned look, she knew because he had been worried about her. His expression quickly relaxed though, as he saw that she wasn't upset. Jane saw in her computer screen, which had gone black from lack of use, that she actually had a mildly happy face for once.

These moments thinking about Maura happy, Maura happy with _her,_ this was her self-medication now in place of alcohol. It had been helpful in assuaging her guilt and softening the hurt that she had been feeling both for Maura and because of her.

Something else that had come to her mind lately that troubled her, though, was the fact that Maura had been _sleeping with_ these women in place of her. She'd never done anything sexual with a woman before…hell, she didn't have that much sex at all, and she was worried that she wouldn't be able to commit to pleasing Maura in that way. She had always seen Maura as gorgeous and sexy, but never pictured _herself_ acting on that.

Jane thought back to when she was with Maura as she tried on dresses for her first date several weeks ago. She looked absolutely stunning, and she consciously thought that _Andy_ would be blown away and want to take her to bed… _Lord, I really am dense,_ _aren't I?_

But Maura was experienced, especially now, and had always been open about experimenting in bed. Jane knew, though, that Maura was one person she could be fully herself and vulnerable with, and if there was anyone she would be comfortable doing something new with it would be her. She realized that she couldn't hold back from loving Maura just because she's worried she won't like kinky sex or something.

Since the overheard conversation a few days prior, Maura had been somewhat more normal, saying hello to her, giving her information on her cases, acting civilly when Jane went down to the morgue with Frost since he still wasn't the greatest at handling gruesome bodies. But it was still unnatural and frustrating, as Maura had not invited her to lunch, or over after work for drinks and a movie, or tried to make silly puns with her while discussing a case. She couldn't take it anymore. She knew Maura loved her and was struggling through this too—at least Jane had been able to vent to Frost almost every day…and Maura was not only missing her best friend but not having her at probably the most painful point in her life. Jane couldn't imagine how hard of a time Maura had had this past week.

Xx

By the time Jane and Frost had finished interviewing their next lead, the sun had fallen and it was starting to look like rain. "Let's call it a night, Jane."

"You think?" Jane responded distantly, looking half cringingly at the sky and twirling her key carabineer around her fingers.

"Nothing else we can really do right now, and you wouldn't be able to focus anyway. You've been out of it all afternoon, you should really just go home when you're like that, no use for you to be out here."

"Eh, maybe you're right." Jane looked at her phone as she got into the driver's seat. It had become a constant habit, not just to check the time but to see if Maura had possibly contacted her.

"Just drive us back to the station, and then go." Jane glanced over at him. His eyebrows were slightly raised and he looked at her like he knew what she had been at least half-consciously considering.

Soon Jane was in her own car, on the familiar route to Beacon Hill. The rain was coming down hard now, and she cursed at the idiots on the road who always somehow forgot how to drive when water appeared.

Finally she pulled into Maura's driveway, and she took a deep breath as she hurried to ring her doorbell. Jane kind of rolled her eyes at herself, standing in the rain on some girl's stoop to confess her love like in some stupid movie. As she was pushing a wet lock of hair from in front of her face, the door opened and Maura stood there looking surprised and confused.

"Jane—"

"Please, I need to talk to you."

"O-kay" Maura stuttered. "Come in."

Jane followed her into the kitchen, which she figured Maura was sub-consciously leading her to so that she could drip water in a safe place. A droplet did fall from her face to her neck as she stood there looking at Maura, who was standing in front of her with her arms crossed, perhaps anxiously waiting for Jane to say something.

"I heard some of your and Frost's conversation downstairs the other night."

Maura's anxious eyes widened and her mouth opened for a moment before words came out. "What—What did you hear?"

"About why you've been so distant from me lately…and why you've been seeing so many women."

A rush of what seemed like shame came to Maura's eyes, and she tilted her head down and away out of Jane's view. After a silent moment, she responded through a tear-choked throat, "I never meant for you to know..."

"I'm glad I do now."

Jane took a slow step towards her. Despite all of the drama, Jane felt completely sure of herself and what she wanted in this moment. She gently took Maura's face in her hand and lifted it so she could look into her pained hazel eyes for a short moment before tilting her chin up to meet her lips with her own.

Jane felt Maura shudder slightly as she kissed her. She didn't push or pull; she just kept them in that moment, committing it to memory, savoring how perfect it felt to finally have it.

As Jane pulled her head up Maura breathed out, "Oh my god.."

Jane made a soft stroke with her thumb against Maura's cheekbone as she told her, "I love you Maura. Please come back to me. I'm so sorry it took all of this to get my head out of my ass and see it."

Maura leaned her face further against Jane's hand and opened her teary eyes. "Is this really happening?" She let out a slight huff of emotional amusement, or maybe disbelief.

Jane replied with a simple smile and nod, and a kiss on her forehead. They stood like that for a moment before Maura spoke up again.

"I'm so sorry I've been pushing you away…" The next words came out quickly, like she needed to say them but didn't want to and she had to push it all out at once. "I've missed you so much, I've needed you so bad, but when I saw you I kept seeing the dream—"

"Maura I wouldn't—I could never do anything to hurt you."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay…I know how bad dreams can get the best of you sometimes."

They both leaned towards one another and they stood foreheads touching, the height difference between them significant but not too much to strain their natural stance.

"I wanna hug you but I'm all gross."

Maura let out a soft laugh that seemed to release some of the tension she had been holding for so long. Jane's body filled with warmth despite her wet clothes—she made Maura laugh again.

"No, you look beautiful from the rain. But yes, go change."

Jane's warmth stayed with her as she went to the bedroom to peel off her work clothes and pull on sweatpants and a t-shirt. Part of her thought that, like Maura said, this shouldn't feel real. But it did. She stepped into the open area to see the love of her life grabbing a beer for her out of the fridge. "So. Pizza?"


	12. Chapter 12

A couple hours later Jane was lounging on the couch with Maura cuddled up against her. The screen said _Next up: Becoming Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey._

"Yeah, no, I'm gonna have to pass on that one." Jane paused her absent-minded stroking of Maura's hair to grab the remote and return to the Netflix home page.

"Thank you for watching that with me." Maura shifted her body, snuggling in closer to Jane, and placed a soft kiss on her neck.

"Yeah, you know, it's been a while since I learned anything about the Russian Revolution so it was nice to get back into that." Jane felt Maura smile against her skin.

They lay like that for a couple more minutes in silence, as if they were still watching the movie. Jane was so content just being close to Maura. She realized it wasn't all that different from how they always were—sure, she hadn't kissed her neck before, but they were always cuddling on the couch watching movies and goofing around and talking. Not talking about everything though, it had been made clear.

"So you and Frost are close, huh?" Maura nodded. Jane wasn't jealous—she had always wanted Maura to have more people (that treated her right)—but she was sad that she felt she had to keep secrets from her and go elsewhere for support. "Has that always been a thing?"

"Well, we've always been quite friendly, you know that. But he noticed I was really sad one day and offered to take me out. This was back when you were talking to Casey constantly. Jane closed her eyes in guilt. _I was quite obsessed with him, wasn't I._ "I told him I was in love with you. I was so sad because I thought I was losing you to Casey. He said he wasn't surprised. It was so great to have someone that knew, that I could talk to about how I felt, and thought about things."

Jane couldn't see her face, but as Maura continued her voice became tighter, like tears were welling up.

"I talked to him about how I thought that nothing I ever did would be enough for you to love me like I loved you. I talked to him about thinking about seeing other women. I guess I was kidding myself that it would be good enough…that I could satisfy my need for you by, I don't know, pretending these other women were you, in bed."

Jane's throat was burning. Of course the dream made sense. She felt terrible, thinking about how much pain she had caused Maura. She wished she could go back in time, this time not just to before that night, but months ago. So she could have that time being with Maura like this. So she could prevent the time Maura spent watching her while she was loving Casey, believing that that love could never be hers.

"You were actually the biggest reason why I didn't marry him."

"You mean it wasn't because he was a giant jerk?"

"Even if he was perfect, he wanted me to follow him around the world and I couldn't leave you."

"Really?"

"I've loved you so much Maur…I just didn't know I wanted to be a couple until now, and I'm a total idiot—"

"You want to be a couple?" Maura sat up a little bit and made eye contact with Jane.

Jane responded with a slight shrugging expression. "Well we already are, aren't we? We just get to kiss now."

Maura laughed, and her cheeks flushed with a tinge of pink. She leaned in and kissed Jane, sliding her tongue across her bottom lip, and Jane felt the now familiar warmth come over her as Maura made a soft, contented sound against her mouth.

"God Jane, I've dreamed about kissing you for so long."

"Well, I hope I can make up for lost time. I hope I can live up to your fantasies."

It was true. Whatever Maura wanted, Jane wanted too. She knew it wouldn't be quick and easy to live happily ever after, especially with how vulnerable she knew Maura was right now and with the people who hurt her not in prison where they should be.

But she wanted to try, more than anything. Now she was in a daydream again—just another simple one, with Maura twirling their ring on her finger as she racked her brain for the answer to some outlandish science question that Jane didn't really want the answer to but asked just because she liked to watch Maura think. She would rarely admit it to anyone that she really was just a big softy, whose innermost thoughts included sweet images of people just enjoying life, safe and happy—even Maura. But of course she knew.

Her train of thought was interrupted by Maura's lips on her neck again, and she gasped in a sharp shallow breath that she didn't realize she was holding until Maura spoke against her skin. "Breathe, Jane." A kiss on her jaw. "If you hold your breath every time I kiss you—" Another. "You might damage—" She was trailing towards her ear. "That beautiful brain."

"I'll uh…I'll have to remember that." The feeling of Maura's lips on her skin was mind-numbing. Those lips, that she always thought _someone_ would love to kiss.

Maura placed a final soft kiss on the corner of her jaw. "I love you, Jane."

"I love you too," she breathed out happily. "And your lips."

Maura pushed herself up so she was looking down at Jane. "Yeah?" She said with a smile.

"Oh yeah." She returned with a small, close lipped grin.

Maura leaned down to kiss her again. This time Jane hummed in approval. "I've always wanted to do that," Maura said when she pulled back.

"Kiss me? Yeah we've established that."

Maura crashed her lips into Jane's. "Specifically, kiss the cocky smirk you do, like when you make some stupid sarcastic joke like that one."

"Hey now, my jokes are not stupid!" Maura raised an eyebrow with her own smirk. "Okay…not all of them."

Xx

Holding Maura in bed had been something Jane did occasionally when one of them was upset, or hurting, or scared. But right now, lying in bed with her arm around her, Maura's head on her chest and leg bent over hers, this was the first time it had happened when they were both in a happy mood already. And it just felt right. Part of Jane thought it seemed odd how quickly she was jumping into this. Being romantically intimate with a woman. But as she realized with Frost, it didn't matter whether or not she was "into women"—she loved _Maura_. And the love she felt right now, feeling Maura's chest rise and fall against her with slow, sleepy breaths, wasn't just protective, or grateful…it was desirous. She liked how the curves of Maura's body felt against hers, and how her wavy golden hair fell on her cream-colored neck. As they were both falling asleep, she mumbled "You're beautiful, you know that?" Maura just gently squeezed her body where her arm was draped over her waist and placed a soft kiss on Jane's chest above her tank top.

Xx

Jane had a stupid lousy couple days, and when she finally got out of work on Friday she told Maura that if it was alright with her she would be coming over to chill after she went home to shower and grabbed some beer from the store. She unlocked the front door to find an empty living room, and then an empty kitchen, so she headed towards the bedroom. She pushed through the slightly open door. "Maur, you in here?"

Maura was indeed on the bed, and as the door opened she immediately scrambled up from her relaxed position and pulled her knees to her chest. Her eyes were full of fear and Jane realized that someone coming through the closed door while she was on the bed was triggering her conscious and subconscious memory of that night.

"Maura, I'm sorry, you're safe, it's me." Jane cautiously went to sit next to her on top of the covers. Her eyes were now squeezed shut, and it was clear that she wasn't breathing. Tears were threatening behind Jane's eyes. She wished she could take away all her pain. Where was that magic wand?

"Breathe, sweetheart. Try to breathe, okay? I'm gonna put my hand on your back, okay?"

Maura didn't respond, but with Jane's touch she finally gasped for air. Jane sat quietly with her as she worked to take in enough air and then stop hyperventilating.

"I—I really couldn't breathe...I—I felt…his hand around my throat again—"

Jane swallowed and tried not to let that image overpower her. As Maura's breathing returned to normal, she was able to just cry. Her face scrunched up slightly and she lowered her head and buried her face in her arms.

Jane wanted to help so bad, but she didn't know what to say. _"It's okay"_ came to mind, but that was dumb. Yes, it was true that she was safe, and her flashback wasn't real, but Maura knew that. In the time right after she was attacked by Hoyt, when she was still jumpy and triggered by certain things, the whole "it's okay" thing bothered her. Yes, she knew "it was okay", but that didn't mean she was okay.

What came out instead was "I love you." She wanted to hold her, but she knew she shouldn't touch Maura further until she established that she wanted the physical comfort. So she just stayed still, with her hand on Maura's hunched back as it softly shook.

A couple minutes went by like that, before Maura raised her head and sniffed into her stuffy nose. She rested her chin on her folded arms, her body still condensed into a ball. "Do you want to talk through what you're feeling?" Jane offered. "Talk through what happened?" She waited with bated breath. She didn't actually want to hear what that might be…she hoped Maura didn't take her up on it.

"No." Maura replied simply through her congestion. "That's what I have a therapist for."

Jane kind of sighed in relief. She was glad she was seeing someone. "How's the therapist been going?"

"As well as can be expected, I suppose. I'm sure it's a slowly but surely kind of thing. We'll see."

"Yeah." It took Jane a while to get back to normal after Hoyt, and she still wasn't always completely okay, as her own flashback the other day showed. And what Maura went through was so much worse. She shook her head slightly, involuntarily-she didn't want to think about it.

"Can I get you anything?"

"No, I don't think so. Thank you."

They continued to sit like that for several minutes. Jane was content sitting there with her, and she would sit in silence for hours if it helped Maura feel better.

"I think it would be helpful not to close doors. Or at least speak through them before opening them. In order to prevent this from happening again." Maura spoke in a more formal, steady tone.

"Of course, Maur. I'll definitely knock next time…I'm sorry I didn't."

"Can we just…get changed and lie down? I know it's early but…"

"Yeah, definitely." Lying down with Maura was something she never would have said no to, even before all of this.

They were laying silently on their backs in bed when Maura spoke up softly."I hate how scared I am all the time now." She sighed slightly. "I'm jumpy, and whenever there's a sudden noise or movement, my first reaction is that it's them." Again, a pause to breathe. "It's like… I'm afraid one or both of them could be anywhere at any time. I know it's irrational…"

"No, I get it." Jane had been the same way with Hoyt. She was sure Maura remembered the night she stayed with her when he had escaped prison. How hearing the unfamiliar sound of Bass moving in the kitchen made her jump in the guest bed.

A few minutes more of lying quietly had passed when Maura turned on her side to face Jane, and made eye contact. "Thank you."

"For what?"

She gave a small smile. "For loving me. For being patient with me."

Jane was generally not good at being patient. After she shot herself outside of headquarters, she was entirely frustrated with how slowly she healed, and had been antsy to get back on the streets. When Maura wasn't talking to her, she was going bonkers until she finally initiated contact herself. But when it came to being what Maura needed right now—and really ever, she noted—she didn't care how long things took.

She smiled back.

Maura pushed herself up so that her face was hovering above Jane's, and leaned down to place a soft, chaste kiss on her lips. As she moved back down, she took Jane's left arm and wrapped it around her so that they were lying on their sides, Maura leaning back against her.


	13. Chapter 13

_Hola! I know this chapter is a little short, but I wanted to get something published today. I'll hopefully have another for you soon!_

 **Xx**

Jane and Maura woke to the Saturday morning brightness coming out from behind the clouds, their legs intertwined.

"Suuunnn whhyyyy" Jane groaned and moved a pillow from under her head to over her face.

"Hush, Jane." Maura chastised sleepily. "I like the warmth." She stretched and laid one arm across Jane's torso.

"It's July, Maura." She replied, her voice muffled. "Go outside if you wanna be warm. You pay to cool this giant house, do you not?"

She didn't respond, her breath still calm and shallow across the sheets. Jane lay still and let her rest. Maura was usually the bright and peppy one in the morning, and Jane was always happy to see her sleep in. She wanted to help her catch up on some much needed (actually restful) rest.

Jane faded in and out of sleep for a while longer until Maura shifted and stretched again, tightening her hold around Jane. "Morning." She mumbled into Jane's side.

"Morning, sleeping beauty." Jane lightly traced the path of a piece of hair, shining in the sun, across Maura's shoulder.

"Mm…I love your hands."

"Meh, they're rough…damaged."

"Gentle, and strong."

Jane continued running her fingers across Maura's contrastingly soft skin. "What're we doing for breakfast? We could try to make Ma's quiche."

"Not putting in that kind of effort today. There's that café on the way to work that's finally been reopened."

"Sounds good to me." She was definitely fine with a lazy day. "As wonderful as this is, I've had to pee for the last hour."

"Hmph. Alright." Maura begrudgingly pushed herself up, placing a kiss on Jane's bicep along the way.

Xx

After they had ordered and were bringing their number to a table, Jane spoke what had come into her mind. "So like, what are we?" Thinking that might be too literal of a question for Maura, she continued. "You know, like—"

"What do you want us to be?"

"I..don't know?" Jane was pouring sugar into her coffee. "I just wanna be with you, but I was wondering if you had a term in mind…like, to tell people?" Not getting a response, Jane looked up. "Maur?"

Maura stood frozen, staring wide-eyed towards the other side of the room. Jane followed her gaze to a man standing in line to order, looking their way. He winked.

Jane's jaw clenched. _Jesus Christ._ "Maura?" She stood up and took her hand. "Maura look at me." No indication that she had heard her. "Maura listen to me." She squeezed her hand. "Come on, let's get out of here." Her eyes and her feet hadn't moved. Jane tugged her hand towards the door, almost pushing her out of the building with her arm around her shoulders.

Out on the sidewalk out of the way of foot traffic, Jane took both Maura's hands in hers. It was clear to Jane she was in another breathless flashback, this time understandably worse than the day before.

"Breathe, baby. Feel my hands." After Hoyt, Jane had learned strategies to help her with her PTSD. "Count my fingers in your hands, Maura. One, two…you're with me, Jane." She brought one hand up to her face and gently kissed it, having Maura feel her cheek against her skin. "Come back to me…you're standing on the sidewalk, what—what shoes are you wearing?"

Finally there was recognition in Maura's eyes, and she started hyperventilating. "There, breathe sweetheart, I've got you."

Words started coming out on her down breaths. "He-he-he was in there, he-he winked at me, he—"

"I know, sweetheart. But I've got you, you're safe. He can't hurt you." She was rubbing Maura's hands and wrists, trying to continue centering her. "They can't hurt you anymore."

"You can't promise that" she breathed.

"God I want to…I want to go and make it so he can't _walk_ again."

"Don't do anything stupid Jane. I can't have you go to prison."

"They should be in prison!"

"How?" Maura took her hand out of Jane's and shakily brushed back a piece of hair that had fallen out of place, Jane was unsure if deliberately or out of habit. "It's my word against theirs. People have threesomes, and-and-and rough sex all the time! She's a lawyer, I'm sure she can talk her way out of anything." She sighed and turned away, beginning to walk slowly down the sidewalk, one hand still holding Jane's.

Jane wondered why Maura hadn't talked about trying to bring charges, and was sidestepping the idea now. "Did they threaten you?"

"No…not really.." Maura mumbled.

"Did they say they would do something if you went to the police?"

"She…" Maura took a breath. "She said that I shouldn't bother telling my friends at BPD because no one will believe that I didn't want it."

Jane felt sick. _Jesus, no one who saw how hurt and scared Maura is about this could think that she wanted it._

"I mean, I do have a history of sexual activity…partners that could be dragged up to argue that I'm a slut, that this would be a possibility for me."

Jane breathed heavily in frustration. She was probably right. The defense is always shaming women for choosing to have sex so they can argue that they never don't want it.

Jane backtracked in her mind to re-hear something she didn't acknowledge the first time. "Before I asked about the police, you said 'not really…' What does that mean?"

Maura doesn't answer, and Jane looks over at her to see her mouth slightly open in hesitation. "Well…they threatened me during it, with worse violence if I didn't do what they told me to." Jane bit her lip. "And I…I guess I took it as implied that they can hurt me again, whenever they want to."

Jane had to blink away her tears, as she brought Maura's hand up to her lips. "I'm not gonna let that happen."

Xx

Back at the house, Jane plopped down on the couch while Maura went to go shower. She leaned her head back into the cushion and sighed. So Maura's fear wasn't at all unfounded. They could be anywhere. He was.

Taking care of Maura was always her first priority, but secondarily there was always the anger towards them, which was back with a vengeance, surging towards the surface again. Seeing him in person, walking around free, buying fucking breakfast, like he didn't rape Maura, like he wasn't the scum of the earth…

She needed to figure out how to put them away. Of course she would rather kill or maim them, but Maura was right—she couldn't risk sending herself to prison and leaving Maura alone. And yes, locking them up was to satisfy her need for justice and revenge, but it was also to take care of Maura—she knew she would be looking over her shoulder everywhere now, everyday, even more than before, now that she had actually seen him again. And Jane couldn't bear to let Maura live in fear without doing everything she could to protect her.

She wondered if they had done it before. From what Maura had told her (and now what she had seen for herself), they had both been very confident throughout all of it, from the chatting, to the date, to what they said that night, to how he winked at the café. How could she go about figuring it all out, getting more information? She knew she should go through SVU and not be a private investigator about it, but right now she had so little information that she doubted SVU would even bother looking into it.

All she knew was that her name was Emily and she was an attorney. It's not like she could google "Emily attorney Boston" and find her. Maybe she didn't work in Boston, maybe she wasn't an attorney. Hell, maybe that wasn't even her name.

Lying in bed that night with Maura asleep beside her, Jane couldn't even close her eyes. She wasn't sleepy, and if she tried she just saw his face. Him winking when he saw Maura across the room. Her profile photos.

A thought came to Jane that made her eyes open wider. If Maura had texted her outside the app, she would have her phone number. She got up and carefully stepped around the bed so as not to wake Maura. She quickly opened her messages. She didn't like breaking her privacy, but the detective and protector in her couldn't stop herself. She needed to find Emily. Jane memorized the number and then, lying back down, typed it into her own phone.

Jane channeled all of her buzzing thoughts and emotions into squeezing her arm and leg muscles hard, pushing her body to exhaustion, and was able to fall asleep soon after.

Xx

At work on Monday afternoon, Jane was waiting impatiently for the database to complete its search. Unlike Frost, she didn't know all the shortcuts to find things quickly, so she just typed the phone number into the general system and waited it out. Her pulse quickened—there was a hit.

Her real name was Emilia Tucker. And her number was in the system because she had previously done work for Boston City Council. _So maybe you're too confident you fucking—_

Jane interrupted herself with a new thought. As someone working for the government, a lot of her information might be public record.

Indeed, a while later she was downloading a large file containing years worth of Tucker's phone records. She had kind of bullshitted on the phone with the secretary at the city council office, but apparently under the Freedom of Information Act, anyone is able to request the records of any phone number or email address that had ever been used for government work. Jane—Council—Verizon, Verizon—Council—Jane.

There wasn't actual content of text messages, but she did have the details of every incoming and outgoing phone call and message. Unfortunately, it was a PDF. But she had been lucky so far, so Jane wasn't too upset by the lack of CTRL-F capability. At the end of the day she grabbed the big stack of paper off the printer and a handful of highlighters, and went home to her own apartment. It was time for some old-fashioned detective work.


	14. Chapter 14

**Sorry this chapter is so late, I've been busy lately (having loads of FUN so that's something) and I've also been less motivated/had more writer's block because this is a section of the plot I didn't really have a good grasp on in my notes for this story. I hope this is a bit satisfying for you!**

 **Xx**

The next morning Jane was greeted by a familiar voice as she walked into the SVU squad room. "Hey Rizzoli." The voice belonged to Rebecca Walsh, a detective around her own age that she had worked with before on rape-homicide cases, and unfortunately some that started as rape cases and ended up as murder cases. She met her at her desk as she strolled over, stirring a fresh cup of coffee, her blonde hair up in a bun as always.

"What can I do for you?"

Jane set her marked up stack of paper in front of her on the desk. "This woman is a rapist and I need your help to prove it."

Walsh's expression changed in surprise, and she set down her mug to pick up the records. She looked back at Jane inquisitively. "How did you get this?"

"It's legal, I promise. Public record laws."

She flipped through the papers, skimming over Jane's scribbled notes. "How did this even start? How do you know who she is?"

"I have a source."

She looks up curiously at Jane again, skeptically.

"No, I can't tell you who it is, and no, the source isn't me, if that's what you're wondering." Jane was determined to keep Maura's name out of this for as long as possible. "I've been going through her phone records, and it seems like there's a pattern, in the numbers she's texting and calling, and with the information I have from my source. And if I'm right, she might be taking a woman home this week…her and the man she "works" with." Jane could hear the anger in her voice.

"Damn, Jane…" She shook her head, seemingly in awe of Jane's information, and the situation itself.

"We need to go. Intercept them, arrest these bastards. Of course you're the expert, but I was thinking we could see if we can get a warrant based on the phone records, in order to get real time phone details…easier than just sitting on her and waiting "

"That could be a possibility. Show me what you've got."

Jane showed her the text pattern of the week she raped Maura, which was similar to that of a few weeks prior, and to that of the current week.

"Look, these new numbers show up, they text a little bit for a few days, and then never again. This has gotta be her current catch." She pointed to a repeating number highlighted in pink, then another in blue. "She also texts with this number frequently, and more so these weeks and these days. That's probably sidekick man."

Walsh nodded in understanding. "I'll see what I can do, talk to my ADA. Photo scan these pages to me."

Jane released a breath in a small bit of relief, glad that Walsh was agreeing to work with her. "Thank you for helping me with this."

"I do have other shit to do, and I can't promise anything."

"I know. Just please let me know the minute anything happens with it."

Walsh looked her in the eye, with a seemingly curious look, perhaps wondering what Jane's connection was to this case because she was clearly overly invested in it. "I will Jane. Go catch some murderers."

Jane took a deep breath as she walked to her own squad room. She respected Walsh, and she knew she needed to go along with her process, and be patient with her lack of complete attention to this, but really she wanted to go on her own stakeout. And she wanted to call Paddy Doyle. She was sure he would "take care of it." But she couldn't risk it being connected back to her or Maura in any way.

She buried herself in her own cases for the rest of the day, and was surprised when later that afternoon she actually got a call from Walsh.

"Rizzoli."

"Hey, we got that warrant. Thankfully Nieman was able to grab the judge that signs them for us pretty liberally."

Jane's pulse had quickened. "Oh, that's great."

"We've got access to real time phone details, and if they give us a good lead on a specific time something might go down, we'll definitely go try to intercept, as you said. Warrant includes tracking phone location as well, so if you're right about this we should be able to."

"Alright if I come up there and help you decipher it all?"

In a few minutes Jane was sitting with Rebecca looking at the phone surveillance on her computer. "So did your source tell you where this happened?"

"Tucker's house. Also, she gave the name Emily, so that'll be relevant at some point."

"Introduced herself as Emily to your person? Who is it…a victim of hers?"

Jane cringed slightly at Maura being called a victim. She was the strongest person she knew. Jane grabbed the original hard copy of the phone records and flipped to point at the phone number highlighted in purple. "We're going to exhaust every other lead first. And don't go researching her, I'm not breaking her trust."

"I gotchu. Anonymous sources are anonymous."

"As far as the surveillance, watch for if she goes to a bar or restaurant or something after work before going home."

"So this is a date, you think?"

Jane's phone went off. "Sup" She greeted her partner.

" _Jane we gotta go. Lead on Thompson."_

"Kay."

Jane stood up from Walsh's desk. "Homicide suspect."

"Go, I'll update you."

Xx

That evening Jane walked into Maura's house to a wonderful smell. "Dang Maura, that smells fantastic." She went to the kitchen and saw her finishing up with cooking Jane's favorite home-cooked meal. "What's the occasion? Do you need a favor?" She kissed Maura hello.

"No! It's a showing of gratitude, not bribery. I want to thank you so much for your support and understanding with all of this. From the day I told you about Andy, you've been so supportive of me and what's been happening in my life. I'm sorry I disconnected for a while."

"Of course, Maura. You know I would do anything for you." _Like trying to arrest Emily and Sidekick Man._ But she felt a bit guilty. She didn't know if Maura would be so happy with her if she knew she had been working with SVU without telling her.

She pushed that out of her mind as they had a calm evening together, and went to bed early with full stomachs.

Xx

The next day Jane was eating lunch with Frost when she got a text from Walsh.

 _More contact with those numbers lately. I'll be alerted when she leaves work_

 _Thanks let me know_

Frost noticed the name she was texting. "Walsh? Are you working with her on some—Maura."

"Yes. Got Cunt's name and address. Looks like she's planning to do it again. We might be intercepting them tonight."

Frost looked at her incredulously. "We? Jane don't, that's not a good idea."

She looked back at him sternly. "Why not?"

"You know why not. If you're there arresting them…if you have power over the people who hurt Maura…" He shook his head. "You're gonna do something rash. You're gonna hurt them. You can't do that to Maura."

Jane heard Maura's voice in her head again. _"I can't have you go to prison."_

Jane closes her eyes in frustration.

"Imagine if they have a woman. You're going to—"

"Of course I'm going to see Maura."

There was emotion in Frost's face as well. "Do you want me to go?"

"Do you want to go?"

"Only if you don't trust Walsh. I'll have the same mentality as you do. I'll wanna kill them."

Jane felt her eyes open in surprise. _Wow._ She's never really heard Frost talk that way. He's always been calm, the voice of reason.

"We gotta trust SVU to do their job."

Jane made herself take a deep breath. "Walsh better fucking get them."

Xx

Around dinnertime, Jane and Frost were still at work, making phone calls, going through old paperwork. Jane's phone vibrated and she picked it up within the second.

"Hey Walsh."

" _She is at a bar. Not far from where she lives. Let's go follow her."_

"I..uhh.."

Frost looked at her from his desk, staring her in the eye, imploring her to give the right response.

"I unfortunately actually can't come with you, I'm tied up with homicide stuff. Someone in your unit can go, right?"

" _Uhh_ " Jane heard her calling to her partner, the phone pulled slightly away from her mouth. " _Zimmer! Come on this follow with me, prevent a rape_." She must have gotten an affirmative because she told Jane, "Yeah we're good, might be best to have a piece of manpower there anyway." She and Jane were of course very strong, but 250 lbs of muscle was always a plus to have by your side.

"Okay great. Let me know what happens."

"Of course. Wish me luck."  
"Every ounce in the world."

Jane put down her phone and brought her hand to her head, taking a deep breath and shaking her hair roughly.

"You wanna stay here and wait it out?" Frost asked.

"Yeah, I have to. What if she needs some information from me from here?"

"I'll stay with you."

Jane looked up at him and managed a small smile. He really was the best. "Thanks partner."

A couple hours went by of the two of them looking through old files for a case, with Jane checking her phone every minute to make sure she hadn't missed something from Walsh or Zimmerman. She felt something must be happening, because if they just had drinks and left separately Walsh would have called her by now.

Finally, after 9:00, the phone buzzed. "Rizzoli."

"Jane we got em." Jane closed her eyes and felt her heart beat hard. "We got there at a good time, had the video and audio surveillance and recording on…hit the bedroom when she was begging them not to hurt her but they hadn't really yet."

Jane swallowed. "They in custody? She being taken care of?"

"Yes, the night shift is taking care of everything from here, and I'm actually calling you from the hospital, I rode in the ambulance, they're treating her for shock."

"No other injuries?"

"Not that I can tell. I'm about to take her home."

"Thank god." Jane wouldn't have been able to forgive herself if she let them hurt another someone else like Maura.

"It's late, I'll touch base with you in the morning."

After she put down the phone, Jane covered her eyes and let out an audible shaky sigh, feeling her whole body release some of its stiffness.

Frost came to her and squeezed her shoulder firmly. "Good job Jane. Go home. Go hug Maura."

On her ride home, Jane couldn't get past what Walsh had said. _"She was begging them not to hurt her…"_ Jane heard Maura's voice in her head, what she must have sounded like in those same moments on the bed. She remembered Maura's first nightmare- _"Please!"_ With tears in her eyes she screamed until her voice was hoarse.

She let herself into Maura's house and went to do just what Frost said.

"Hi dear, you're out late, what was the case?" Maura was standing in front of the mirror, having just washed off her make up.

Jane took her by the hip and pulled her in to hold her. She breathed out and kissed her neck softly, before taking her face in her hand and melding her lips with hers, trying to physically give her all the love and comfort she needed and deserved.

"Mm," Maura made a surprised and contented sound into her kiss.

Jane pulled back but kept her hand on her hip. "Just going through old stuff trying to find anything on this suspect."

"Well you seem exhausted babe. Let's get in bed."

Jane smirked and raised an eyebrow. "Babe, huh?"

Maura blushed a little. "Do you not like it?"

"Nah, babe. I like it." Maura kissed her smirk. "Imma call you that now."

In bed, Jane held Maura tight against her chest. As they were falling asleep, Jane felt a tear sliding down the side of her face. _None of this would have happened if I had kissed Maura sooner._ She was regretful and guilty and sad and tired. She kissed the top of Maura's head. "I love you so much Maur."

Maura kissed her chest.

Xx

The next morning when Jane woke up to her work-day alarm, she saw Maura sitting slightly up beside her with tears silently rolling down her face.

"What's wrong, honey? Are you okay?"

Maura gives her a small, not happy smile and nods. "Yeah. Just dealing with memories."

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Jane really was willing to listen. She wanted to be there for Maura in any way she could, including if that meant holding her hand while she told her about her dreams and what had actually happened.

She shook her head slightly. "I can't."

"I wish—" Jane was frustrated and guilty that Maura hadn't felt she could talk to her about everything over the last year. "You're my best friend. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything."

Maura breathed out a small sigh. "It's not really that I can't talk to you, it's more that…I can't because it would hurt you too much."

"What?"

"I can't talk to you about…what I went through, because I know how much it would upset you."

Jane squinted her eyes shut. She was probably right; it would hurt her to know more about what happened in that bedroom. But that wasn't important. "Please don't worry about me. This is about you getting all the support you need to heal."

She opened her eyes to Maura looking at her sadly, but also with a tinge of confidence. "You know it was painful, and scary…you don't need to hear specifics."

Jane's stomach twisted. "But I will…" Her voice came out cracked. "If you want to voice them."

Maura sat up more fully and shook her head with a small smile. She kissed Jane's cheek and got up to get ready.

"Maura, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I didn't kiss you months ago."

"I wish you had, too."


	15. Chapter 15

**Omg you guys, another chapter already! I'm so happy about it :D**

 **Xx**

Alone on the way to work, Jane's scars were flaring up as she gripped the steering wheel tightly. She felt great about having directed Walsh to Emily and knowing she was arrested, but she was still so angry. Still a mess of emotion that couldn't think straight. She knew she wasn't focusing on her own cases as much as she should be, and she was worried that one little thing could make her burst into a rage and do things she shouldn't.

As she was walking into the building, she got a text message. _They posted bail. I figured they would but not this fast. She's gotta know people._

Jane almost threw her phone, and she probably would have if she was still in the garage. But since the hallways of BPD were a public space without convenient concrete walls, it stayed in one piece.

She rushed into her unit and straight to Korsak. "I need those keys. Now."

He looked up at her, and her rage must be clear to see, because his eyes widened and he immediately gave her the keys without comment.

A minute later she was locking the door behind her in the training room, throwing off her work shirt and pants. She looked around to find protective gloves; she usually didn't like to wear them, but she didn't have the concentration to tape her hands right now.

She screamed from her gut (briefly thinking that if anyone could hear she probably sounded like some kind of bear, or someone fighting one) and punched the dummy. She needed to deal with all of this in a non-negative way—no alcohol, no screaming at or hurting anyone else, just the power and release and pain of "killing" this slab of rubber.

Her mind was swarming with intrusive thoughts.

" _Didn't get much sleep last night?" "No."_

" _Emily kept me from getting up…they raped me."_

" _Lock the door and enable the alarm system, please."_

" _Can I get you anything?" "Ibuprofen."_

Jane vaguely heard her own rough voice yelling in the background.

" _You're her everything. And don't pretend you don't know that."_

" _Jane stop!"_

She felt the pain coursing through her from the intensity of her blows, but she didn't mind. _I deserve to hurt._

" _She was begging them not to hurt her."_

" _I can't talk to you…about what I went through."_

" _It was painful, and scary."_

" _I wish you had, too."_

Jane saw Maura terrified, tears in her eyes, her dress being ripped off. What was it that she had gone through? What were the specifics she wouldn't tell her? What pain had she suffered because of Jane.

She physically couldn't throw another punch. She slumped to the ground and sprawled across the smoothly finished concrete floor. Her body heaved as she gasped for breath, and she quietly cried, not having any more energy to yell.

And they were back out there again. Going back to their own beds tonight. She would think that they wouldn't try this again while awaiting a court date, _but then again she is an overconfident narcissistic fuck._

" _She's very charming."_

Jane had to speed this along. She got up with an audible groan, her body on fire, and went to take a shower. After calming and centering herself as badass Rizzoli as much as she could, she called Walsh.

"Let's call that number."

"Which..—"

"The yellow one. The one I think is a previous victim. Are you here at headquarters?"

"I am. You're not gonna let your foot off the gas with this one, are you Rizzoli."

"Nope I'm not."

"Alright come up."

Jane stopped into the homicide room to give Korsak back his key. "You alright?"

"Yep. I'll be back later." Jane was anxious to move forward on the rape case, and she hoped Korsak didn't give her a homicide assignment.

"Is this you working with SVU? What's that about?"

"I got a source about a couple rapists, been working with Walsh to get them, prevent another rape, that's actually what we did last night."

"Damn, well that's good."

"Yeah, but they're already out on bail so we can't slow down."

"Alright, go, we'll be fine down here."

A couple minutes later Jane was sitting at Walsh's desk, looking through her marked up phone records, waiting for her to finish something up for another case. As soon as Rebecca directed her attention towards her, she shifted the papers in her direction.

"She has a similar pattern of contact with Sidekick Man back here, too." She pointed at her highlighting several pages back from where the yellow started. "I bet there was a woman then, too. But she didn't text her outside the app." Jane cringed in frustration.

"The app? What, Tinder?"

"Oh, right, I hadn't said that before. Yeah, Tinder." Jane realized it didn't necessarily have to be that app every time. "Or something similar. But yeah, see how it looks kinda like the week with yellow?"

"True, I'll buy it. But we don't have any other information on that, so let's focus on yellow."

"Yes, let's try to bring her in."

"Okay, but how are we going to go about this? We don't have a name—we really lucked out that Tucker's is on record."

"Not a big deal. Can I call?" Jane knew what she was doing, and she wished it was her case, but technically it was Walsh's.

Rebecca gave an affirmative gesture with her hand outward towards Jane.

The phone picked up. "Hello?"

"Good morning ma'am, this is Detective Rizzoli from the Boston Police Department."

There was a quiet moment where Jane assumed the woman on the line was surprised and didn't quite know what to say. "Oh, why are you calling?"

"Can you confirm your name for me, before we speak any further?" She glanced at Walsh.

"Um, yes, this is Anna James."

"Great, thank you Ms. James." Walsh gave a thumbs-up. "We're investigating a string of crimes and we think you might be able to give us some information. Would you be able to come down to the station and talk to us today?"

"What information do you think I have? I haven't witnessed any crimes…"

"You might know more than you realize. It would be a great help."

"Um, sure, fine. I'm at work, but I could take a long lunch around…12:00?"

"That would be great. We appreciate it."

After telling Anna how to get to the station and what to do when she got there, she set her phone down and looked at Walsh with a small smile. "Well, here we go."

"Here we go. I'll do the interview, and you can be the second person in the room if you want."

Part of Jane did want. But she also was self-aware enough to know that hearing whatever Anna was going to say might upset her, and she couldn't be emotional in the interview room.

"You're the SVU detective, you've done this a thousand times and I don't want to mess anything up. I'll watch from behind the glass."

As the person who talked to her on the phone, Jane went down to greet Anna when she arrived.

"Ms. James? I'm Detective Jane Rizzoli." She reached to shake Anna's hand. "Thanks so much for coming in."

"Why am I here? What are you investigating? Am _I_ under investigation?"

"No, not at all, we just want to ask you a few questions." They walked into the SVU hallway, where Walsh was waiting for them. Walsh introduced herself and led Anna into a room with a one-way mirror. Jane entered the next room to observe, unseen.

"Thanks for coming in, have a seat."

"What can I do for you?" Anna had the demeanor of someone who didn't think they had done anything wrong but was still a little nervous, as she was being questioned by the police.

"Do you know Emily Tucker?" Anna's expression changed from slight apprehension to nervous confusion. She didn't respond, seemingly unsure of what to say. Jane guessed that she never learned Emily's full name, but the name clearly bothered her.

"Does the name sound familiar at all? Maybe you know an Emily, but not a Tucker?" Jane was glad it was Walsh handling this. She was more competent than most.

A couple more moments went by without Anna responding, and she made a slightly amused cringe and an extra long blink—she wouldn't have taken this long to answer if the answer was "no," so she confessed.

"Yes, I do know an Emily but not her last name."

"How do you know her?"

Anna hesitates again before giving a short response. "We went on a date."

"Just one?" After a moment, she nods. "Why didn't you go out again?"

For every answer Anna had to formulate what to say, like she didn't know how much she wanted to or had to tell. "I knew it wasn't going to work out."

"Why's that?"

Anna looked distantly in the direction of the corner of the table. "She was really charming, and…"

 _Charming. This motherfucker has it down._ In the quiet moments it took Anna to muster up her answer, Jane really looked at her. She had long light brown hair, bright eyes, and a unique yet professional dress and summer jacket. _This monster has a type, huh._

"It seems like a hard memory." Walsh gently prompted.

Anna's gaze didn't shift and it looked like she was biting her lip inside her mouth. "She invited me back to her place." The way she's slowly forcing out this story makes Jane think she has never told it before. Walsh sat quietly, patiently; Jane guessed that with her experience she knew that Anna would tell her story if she was given the space to.

"There was a man there…but I'm not really into guys." It was becoming harder for Anna to stay private, stoic. Her body was tense, and she struggled to swallow. More silence.

"What happened with the man?" Jane thought she must not have seen Walsh talk to a victim before. She was good at it.

"Um." Her tight shoulders pulled together even more, and she stared further towards the ground.

It was finally a good time to ask the direct question. Walsh spoke softly. "Did they rape you?"

Finally Anna squeezed her eyes shut, pushing previously welled up tears silently down her face. "Yes." She whispered.

Walsh sat quietly with her, apparently letting her say the next words of the conversation.

"How do you know this?" She asked through a tear-choked throat.

Walsh's demeanor never changed. "There are other women."

Whether she was going to say something more, she didn't get to as Anna looked up at her and spoke quickly. "Since me?" Jane thought she looked and sounded the most upset she'd been so far. She could imagine how she must feel. If Jane had kissed Maura sooner she wouldn't have met Emily. If Anna had gone to the police, she might not have, too.

"Yes, and reason to believe it may have happened before you. It appears they may be serial rapists."

"Are they in custody?"

"They're out on bail."

Anna's face scrunches up further, and she covers part of it with her hand, blocking the view of her eyes. "It makes me sick to know that they've done this to other people…" She slides her hand down to her mouth, and then past it. "Will this go to trial?"

"I don't know yet. The Commonwealth may call you to testify if that's the case."

Anna sat silently staring at the corner again, seemingly processing this idea. And then her eyes welled up again. "I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was just my word against hers…she told me no one would believe me, and I believed her." Jane's jaw clenched. It was the same non-threat she gave Maura.

Walsh reached her hand towards her on the table. "We believe you. And a lot of other people will too."

Anna wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Thank you for doing this." She told Walsh roughly. "These people are really cruel." Jane cringes and closes her eyes.

"Will you make a formal written statement for us?"

"Yes, of course."

Xx

After work Jane was sitting on the couch with Maura, casually watching the Discovery Channel. She had a bottle of beer, hoping it would help her relax. But she couldn't stop thinking about today's interview with Anna. " _These people are really cruel."_ That's a strong word. She looked over at Maura, wondering what exactly happened. Where else were there bruises out of sight?

Feeling Jane's eyes on her, Maura glanced over with a small smile. "What?" Jane shook her head and turned back to the TV. "What's wrong? Did something upsetting happen with one of your cases today?"

Jane shrugged, trying to keep her attention on the show. "Nah, I'm good."

Maura moves over close to her, and slides her hand up Jane's thigh. "Can I take your mind off it?" She leans in to kiss her softly on the jaw.

Jane closed her eyes. "Mm, yeah." She set her beer down and let Maura climb on top of her. Maura takes her face in both hands and grabs her lips with hers. She slides her tongue into Jane's mouth and Jane swirls around it with hers.

Jane loved kissing Maura. She really was regretful that she hadn't done it sooner, not just to prevent Maura's trauma, but because it was comforting and fun and right and she didn't know how she lived without it before.

As Maura pulled back to take a breath and kiss her neck, Jane spoke in her ear. "I wanna take you out. On a real date." She felt Maura smile against her skin.

"Yeah?" Maura lifts her head to show a full, beautiful grin, with shining eyes.

"Yeah." Jane leaned forward to kiss her briefly on the lips. "How about that place you went with Andy you said you really liked?"

Maura responded with a quick kiss back. "For my first dinner with you as your girlfriend I want to go somewhere new." Jane watched as she bit her lip cutely, like she may have misspoke. "That is, if you want to call me your girlfriend."

Jane felt herself giving the small sideways smile that Maura had been pointing out to her. "That sounds great to me."


	16. Chapter 16

The next day at work Jane couldn't focus on anything. She was supposed to be reading witness statements and connecting dots, but she couldn't stop thinking about her upcoming date with Maura. She had told her to choose a place and make a reservation for that night; she knew Maura had a better idea of what restaurants were what, and what reputations different chefs had, and she would enjoy finding a place she deemed suitable for this romantic dinner between best friends.

She shook her head to clear her glazed eyes, and realized she had been staring trying to read the same sentence for several minutes…for at least the third time today.

"You alright there, Jane?" Her partner asked from the next desk.

"Hm?" She looked up to see Frost looking up from his own work to check on her. "Oh, yeah. Just distracted."

"In a good way or a bad way? Is everything okay?"

"Good way. Date with Maura tonight."

He smiled. "Finally."

She was staring distantly at nothing in particular, wondering how many of their dinners and adventures in the past could have been considered dates already.

"You know how you said I should just go home when I'm like this?"

He huffed lightly. "Yeah, yeah. You know eventually you're going to have to owe me for all the slack I've picked up for you lately."

Now she looked at him with her full attention. "I know. I really appreciate you—in case I don't say it enough."

"I know, I know, I'm great. Give me those papers, I'll go through them twice as fast as you would have."

Jane smiled at him and gathered her things to go. But she didn't head for home. She knew Maura was going to look incredible tonight, and she wanted to be somewhat comparable. So she went to the department store, hoping to find a new outfit that was worthy of a first date with a gorgeous woman.

Jane generally hated shopping, especially for herself, but she reframed the task as shopping for _Maura,_ because she deserved the effort, deserved to be on Jane's arm without her looking like the rushed, minimal effort tomboy she usually was. Jane remembered how Maura wanted to get a new dress for her new beginning before her first date with Andy. She now understood the feeling.

Forgoing the idea of looking for a dress (because Maura also deserved all of her attention, without any being diverted to how uncomfortable and stupid she usually felt in dresses), she eventually found a shirt and pants combo she actually really liked. She was surprisingly content, even happy, with her appearance in the mirror. A red sleeveless shirt with flowy creases managed to accentuate what little chest and flattering shoulder-to-waist ratio she has. And a pair of smooth black pants actually hugged her almost non-existent hips and ass.

As she arrived home at her own apartment, she got a text from Maura.

 _I went upstairs to see you, but they said you left a while ago. What's up? Are you ok?_

 _Yeah, I just needed a couple hours to myself, is there a reservation for dinner?"_

 _Yes 7:00_

 _Great, I'll come pick you up around 6:30?_

 _Ok 3_

As Jane got ready, she was feeling a tingly combination of nervous and excited. _Is this how first dates are supposed to feel?_ In some sense, it was just like any other dinner with Maura; every once in a while Jane would go with her to some nice restaurant and make fun of the excessive silverware and ceiling-high wine-racks. It was something she was generally uncomfortable with, out of her element, but she did because she knew it made Maura happy.

But also it wasn't just any other dinner. Maura was becoming her girlfriend—something she had never been opposed to having, but never thought she would. But again, Maura was the exception to everything.

Having showered, shaved, and even put on a little makeup, Jane headed for Beacon Hill in rush hour traffic. When she finally arrived, she used her key to get into the house.

"Hey Maura, you ready?"

"Almost!"

Jane leaned against the couch and played Tetris on her phone until she heard heels on the hardwood.

"Wow, Jane…you look stunning."

Of course Maura did as well. "Well, you know I don't try like this for just anybody."

Maura walked over and kissed Jane hello. She took a piece of her new shirt in her hand. "I haven't seen this before."

"Cause I just bought it today. Do you like it?"

Maura put her hand on Jane's waist. "Obviously. We better go before I decide I'd rather just keep you here."

Jane smirked and gave her a quick kiss before turning to open the door for her. This was basically the first time Maura had said anything suggestive about potentially taking Jane to bed. She liked it. Maura had always been flirty, and Jane liked being the object of her desire. She made her feel attractive, which men did sometimes, but always with the end goal of getting laid. Like Frost said, Jane knew Maura loved all of her, and sex would just be an enjoyable piece of that, when the time was right.

Looking at Maura across the dinner table, Jane had a weird combination of feelings. Maura was beautiful (and not just on the outside), and she felt happy and lucky to be here with her. She also felt idiocy, and guilt, for not knowing before that her love and admiration and comfort with Maura could lead to a romantic relationship. And she felt a tingly, heart-pumping feeling knowing that this sexy woman in front of her thought the same about her and wanted to take her to bed.

"Jane?" Jane blinked her distracted eyes and looked into Maura's sheepishly, admitting to not having been paying attention to what she was talking about.

"I'm just staring at how pretty you are."

Maura blushed a little and rolled her eyes.

"I'm serious! I bet I've stared at you a lot, haven't I?"

"Well maybe. Kind of. Probably. But I assumed you didn't know you were, since you never acted on it, and I couldn't risk pushing you away by doing something myself."

"Doctor Isles making assumptions?" Jane raised an eyebrow playfully.

"Okay, it was more of a hypothesis that was never proven wrong."

"I'm sorry Maura."

"I know." She gave her a small smile. "So you think I look good?"

"Jesus, yes, Maur. Let's go home so I can show you properly."  
This time Maura raised an eyebrow.

Soon they were home at Maura's house tangled up on the couch. Jane's hand was on Maura's waist and her lips were on her neck. Maura hummed in approval, and the vibration of her throat made Jane moan. Now Maura pulled Jane's neck up to kiss her and weaved her fingers tightly in her thick hair.

They were both breathing heavy as their tongues collided. In a moment Maura moved her lips down her neck to her chest, and started nipping and sucking at her collarbones, and the skin below them.

"Fuck, Maura…" Maura's mouth was soft and smooth—intense, but not rough against her skin and aggressive like the men she'd been with. She loved it. As Maura latched on, Jane grabbed the back of her head and sucked in a breath through her teeth. "God Maur, you know a mark wouldn't be too professional for work, right?"

"Hmm, it'll wear away by Monday." She continued her sucking. "Also make-up." She soothed the skin with her tongue. "And crew-necks."

Jane groaned and pulled Maura back by her hair. "Well in that case." She grabbed Maura's neck with her own teeth. She was Maura's, and Maura was hers. Finally, as it should be.

Maura let out a breathy moan and grabbed Jane's hip. Jane smiled against her skin and placed kisses on every inch of her neck before moving down to her shoulder. "Is this how you dreamt it?"

"I did envision—ahh—particular scenarios like this, but—mmmuh—it's impossible to truly experience something…theoretically…"

"Well this is all new for me babe, I don't really have any idea what I'm doing until I'm doing it…" Jane moved her kisses back up to her jaw to speak into her ear. "So you'll have to guide me, show me what you want."

Maura grabbed her face in both hands and kissed her hard. "I want everything, Jane. So much."

"That's vague, but I can try to make that happen." Jane kissed her lips and moved her hand from where it was gripping the smallest part of her waist downward against her sexy curves, past her hips, her thighs, to her exposed skin below the hem of her dress. She lightly moved her fingers across her smooth legs, feeling goosebumps raise beneath her touch.

As she continued sucking at Maura's lips and battling with her tongue, she intuitively slid her hand up her thigh and under her dress, until she reached what felt like a bandage. She stopped her hand.

"What's this?"

"…A bandage." Maura responded quietly, hesitantly.

"I figured that…for what?"

"It's a gauze dressing, for the purpose of protecting and preventing infection of a burn site."

"Wha—" It quickly sunk in. "Maur, they—they burned you?"

Maura nodded, taking a quick breath through her mouth. They were suddenly both not turned on anymore.

 _Jesus fuck._ Jane swallowed, fighting the bile wanting to rise in her throat. She closed her eyes and Maura moved to sit separately on the next cushion. A thought came to Jane's mind and she opened her eyes to look at Maura sitting uncomfortably beside her.

"Maura that's proof, that's physical evidence of the assault."

"As I've told you before Jane, there is no indisputable evidence that a crime took place. Intentional pain and disfiguring of the body is not uncommon in consensual sado-masochist relationships."

Jane opened her mouth to tell her that no jury could reasonably think that all of this was consensual, but she stopped herself and just sighed deeply. She knew Maura was using her google speak to deflect from how hurt and afraid she really was. She didn't want to go in front of a jury. Neither did Jane. They both just wished it could all go away.

Jane reached to run her fingers through Maura's hair, but she flinched; so Jane pulled back, tears coming to her eyes. "Please make a report of what happened."

"Nothing will come of it Jane."

"Please, talk to Walsh in SVU, and see what she can make of it."

Maura sighs and shakes her head, apparently annoyed. "You've been planning to do this from the beginning, haven't you? Why are you so adamant about making a case out of this?"

"Because I can't just let them get away with what they did to you!"

Maura gets up from the couch and walks away, not looking back at Jane. Jane hears the bedroom door shut firmly and lock.

Jane sat in the living room, face in her hands, tears in her eyes, until her body just couldn't anymore. She went to the hall bathroom and knelt in front of the toilet. _They fucking tortured her._ She heard Maura's muffled screams as they burned her leg, likely with a cigarette. She wondered what all happened. Of course the rape was terrible in itself, and with two people. And burning her. And tearing her down emotionally. None of which would have happened if Maura had been with Jane like she wanted to be, like she was trying to replace. Jane threw up her dinner, and dry heaved when there was nothing left.

She wanted to go back. Why couldn't she go back? She wanted to make them suffer, worse than they had hurt Maura. That was something she might actually be able to do. Maybe she would call Paddy Doyle. She knew she couldn't do anything herself. She wasn't too stupid to try something like that. But love is a powerful motivation, a blinding force. She hoped she would be able to hold herself back if and when she ends up seeing Emily and Sidekick Man.

Jane stood at the sink and splashed water in her face. _"You can't go off the deep-end."_ She needed to do this the right way. Work with Walsh, convince Maura to make a statement, compare it with Anna's, and that of the woman they protected. She wondered if Anna was burned too. Her pulse picked up. That would be significant. Photos would be evidence of lasting physical harm. And burns that need to be bandaged like Maura's weren't a typical BDSM thing; it would be hard to argue that these women consented to that. She had to know.

Walking out of the bathroom, Jane sighed in frustration as she knew that it was too late to call Anna tonight. She sighed again in sadness as she knocked on Maura's bedroom door and got no response. She went to her car to get some athletic clothes to sleep in and settled in on the couch. She knew that Maura's anger wasn't much at Jane's request for her to work with SVU, it was at the idea of having to talk about her experience at all. It was at Emily for what she did. It was at herself for what she saw as her own mistake in trusting her. _"I couldn't bring myself to let anyone see what I had let happen to me."_

Jane hoped that Maura's self-isolation would end soon this time, and she would talk to her tomorrow. And tomorrow she also needed to call Anna James. If they burned her, it would probably be in her statement, but she didn't want to read it. And she didn't want to bring it up to Walsh without knowing for sure.

She closed her eyes to sleep, but her mind started to form images she couldn't handle. She turned the TV on low and turned on some cheesy sports movie on Netflix, distracting herself for hours before her exhaustion finally sent her into a dreamless sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**_Hello Hello! So sorry for how long it has been since the last chapter! I know many of you have been waiting for it and have asked for a new chapter. This is a short one, but I wanted to get something published today. More is coming, I promise._**

 ** _Xx_**

The next morning, Jane woke up disoriented. She was confused why she was on the couch; she rarely slept there, and hadn't since Maura yelled at her after her nightmare a few weeks prior. Jane now remembered the similar situation that had happened the night before.

As she became fully aware, she realized what had woken her was the shutting of the front door. She got up and looked outside to see Maura beginning to jog down the street. Jane's first instinct was to be a little hurt—Maura always asked Jane to run with her, or at least invited her to come along. But she understood that Maura needed to convert some negative energy by herself right now.

Maura being out of the house allowed Jane the opportunity to call Anna James as she had wanted to last night. She got her voicemail, and left a message asking her to call her back as soon as she could because there was something she needed to ask her about. Jane sighed with the further delay in having this conversation, and made herself some coffee.

Thankfully she got a call back while Maura was still out.

"Rizzoli."

"Hi Detective it's Anna James. Did something happen with the case? What do you need to know?" She sounded on edge, anxious to hear Jane's response.

"Hi Ms. James, thanks so much for calling me back,"

"Anna, please."

"Thank you, Anna. I'm sorry to bother you on the weekend. But I need to ask you something about your assault."

Anna doesn't answer right away, and there is a moment of silence on the line before she responds. "Okay, what?"

"Did they burn you?"  
Another few seconds of no sound. Jane knew that this was an abrupt call and a surprising, bothersome question. She let her take her time.

"Yes."

"On what part of your body?" Jane hoped she didn't sound too eager and rushed, hoped she was fully using her empathetic voice for survivors. But this wasn't just any survivor.

"My—my leg…my—uh- upper inner thigh."

Jane felt her pulse quicken a little bit. "Did you include those details and any other particular injuries in your written statement?"

"Yes—" Her voice was rough. "I—I wrote everything that happened."

That gave Jane a little hope that they might have enough information to nail Emily and Sidekick Man. "Thank you so much for talking to me. We're gonna do everything possible to put these people behind bars."

"Please call me again if there's anything else you need from me." Jane heard tears in her voice but also a touch of determination. "I couldn't stand to let there be another woman."

As Jane ended the call, she felt an intense swarm of thoughts and emotions racing inside her. She was glad that she found Anna and she was so willing to work with them. She felt a slight tinge of optimism at the idea that they might actually be able to build a case against Maura's rapists. But then she couldn't shake the images of what all they had done to her. When Jane asked Anna if she included details of any other injuries, she said yes… _I wrote everything that happened._ And again Jane was back to— _What does that mean? What is everything that happened?_ She thinks she understood why Maura wouldn't talk to her about it. If the situation was reversed she wouldn't want to burden Maura with all of it either. She knew that knowing more specifics would haunt her more than she already was, but she hated having questions unanswered.

Jane sighed and rubbed her face roughly, and then went to lie down in Maura's bed. The couch was definitely much better than most, but it was nothing like the supreme comfort of the luxury bed. She tried to relax and have some chill me-time with a game on her phone, until she heard Maura come in and start making her post-workout shake. She realized that with Maura mad at her, she probably shouldn't be taking over her bedroom, so she moved to sit up and go back to the common area.

Maura seemed a little surprised as she walked in to see her there. "Jane—"

"Hey, I'm sorry, I'll get out of here."

"No, stay." She came over and sat on the front of the bed.

 _Wow, is she talking to me already?_ Jane looked at her with a cautiously optimistic curiosity.

Maura set her hand on Jane's leg. "I'm sorry I stormed off on you last night."

"I'm sorry too, I was probably too aggressive…I never want to raise my voice at you."

Maura gave a small smile. "I know. And I know when you get intense it's out of love and not anger at me."

Jane was relieved. "Yeah."

"I'm going to go shower, then can I come lay down with you?"

"Of course babe. I'd love that."

A few minutes later Maura was cuddled up against Jane on the bed. "A while ago you asked how the therapy was going. The burn is something I've worked on a lot."

"What do you mean?"

Maura continued softly. "The physical pain of it all, as bad as it was…it was temporary. But the burns will almost certainly leave a bad scar, and I'll have to deal with it for the rest of my life."

Jane held her a little tighter.

"I mourned to her that I feel like I'm not desirable anymore,"

"Maura, you are so desirable. Even before I knew that I desired you, I knew you were damn desirable. A scar on your leg isn't going to change that."

"That's what she said…what she said you would say."

"Good, I like her then."

"I told her…I don't want to be in the middle of being intimate with someone-now I only want it to be you, but when I first started thinking about this I didn't think it ever would be—"

The guilt rose in Jane's chest again.

"And just, both of us being reminded of that night. Because of the scar."

Jane could hear the sadness and trepidation in her voice. She needed to promise her that it would be okay, that the scar wouldn't matter, that she would never not want to be close to her.

Jane wiggled up a little bit against the headboard. She opened her hand in front of Maura's eyes. "I thought these scars would ruin my life." Jane felt Maura's breath hitch, a pause in the movement of her chest against hers. "But after a while I didn't think about Hoyt every time I looked at them, and you don't think about how I got them when you see them. Now they're just a part of me. Our scars are…a testament to…" Jane felt like she was making this up as she went along. She was never this caring and logical in her talks with her own self about her scars But it all seemed to make sense, came intuitively when it was for Maura.

"To what we survived, and our courage to go through something terrible and still be here."

"Okay, but yours are noble—you were tracking down a serial killer and a missing woman. Me, I was just an idiot that got in bed with a sadist."

Jane's throat clenched as she tried to block out her violent intrusive thoughts of that descriptor, and her response came out rough. "Me going into that basement without backup was a lot stupider than you making out with your date."

She swallowed, took a deliberate breath, and softly weaved her fingers with Maura's. "I love you Maura. I know none of this is easy, but I'm all in, okay?"

Maura began lightly running her thumb against Jane's. "I love you too Jane. So much. You never cease to amaze me and make me fall more in love with you."

Jane smiled softly and gave Maura a soft kiss in her hair. They lay content in each other's arms for several minutes, before Jane brought up her plea again, hoping that a calm, lovey Maura would be more likely to agree to her plan.

"I wanna talk to Rebecca Walsh-I wont if you tell me not to, and if she says there's no case or it would be too hard to make one, I'll let it go. But I can't-it would kill me not to try."

Maura tenses slightly against Jane, and there is a moment of silence before she lets out a deep breath. "Alright."


End file.
